The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Beginning in the fall of 2023, Princeton replaced its single choice early action (SCEA) admissions cycle with a Hunger Games-style single competitor left alive (SCLA) competition.
This new SCLA program is the first of its kind in the world and has already proven itself to be a roaring success. Over 30,000 hopeful high school seniors entered the competition, hailing from 76 states and 512 different countries, according to data collected by the Fail Daily News.
Throughout the past few months, a series of regional competitions have narrowed down the applicant pool to only the cream of the crop. After passing the first round of casting interviews and a second-round beauty pageant, the finalists were chosen based on a two-part finale including an “Is it cake?” baking competition and collecting an egg from a Hungarian Horntail.
The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future, should they escape the competition unscathed and earn a coveted spot at Princeton.
Upon arrival, each contestant was given an Apple Pencil, a filled-out Coffee Club punch card, a Duo mobile log in, and a Nerf gun with 13 Panera Charged Lemonade-tipped darts. However, it must be noted that the synthesis of this sedative was the result of the thesis of CBE student Toumeni Klases ’23, who admits that “in only 46 percent of my trials did the sedative not cause fourth-degree burns.”
The game lasted a total of 86 hours and ended in the crowning of Rahway, New Jersey resident Cathrine Evergreen ’28, who said in an interview with The Daily PrintsAnything on Monday that what she is most excited for at Princeton is “running for freshman class council.” The losers have had their admissions decisions deferred and will participate in a worldwide steal-the-bacon game alongside all other regular decision applicants.
The Princeton admission office has been quick to pat itself on the back for this new program. Admission representative Hu Givzashet released a public statement backing the SCLA program.
“We really feel like SCLA has given students who may never otherwise have had access to this kind of institution the opportunity to get an Ivy League education,” Givzashet said. “And now our program truly is single choice, as only one lucky applicant gets admitted in this early round.”
However, the ‘Prints’ also overheard an internal admissions discussion via wiretap, wherein the admissions team celebrated how, despite its unorthodox structure, SCLA is still able to achieve the goal of admitting a disproportionate number of legacy students because these students are more likely to have attended reunions with their parents. Because legacies already have so much experience running around unwanted and wreaking havoc, they will be better suited to succeed at SCLA.
Lauren Owens ’25 wishes they had SCLA when she applied. She was so obsessed with the Hunger Games in middle school that she could have won SCLA easily.
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