Humor

New Freshman Seminar takes students to Mar-a-Lago for fall break

A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search. 

A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search. 

DISPATCH | A BRATislava Summer with Princeton in Vienna

“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”

“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”

U. axes academic calendar, will require individual faculty to determine course schedules

Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.

Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.

Princeton students ‘self-haze’ amidst pickup season

First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.

First-year students decide to haze themselves after getting rejected from some of Princeton’s most prestigious clubs.

Budget cuts force McGraw to replace tutors with Youtube screenings

The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.

The McGraw Learning Center appears to be next on the list when it comes to budget cuts, as the University just announced that they will be replacing paid peer tutors with Youtube video screenings. Tickets will be sold on Ticketmaster using dynamic pricing, and students will be able to pay a surcharge for refreshments from the dining hall of their choice.

We messed up …

Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.

Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.

Cottage to build wall to keep out Cloister refugees

“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”

“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”

University announces Octobersession despite ongoing budget cuts

“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.” 

“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.” 

Crimes against humanity trial for Fine Hall architects unearths new revelations

After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them. 

After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them. 

The Brospect Reviews: Lawnparties

After this extra ass semester, every bro on this campus needed a goated excuse to get tanked. Luckily for us, this year’s Lawnparties were peak bussin. Follow me, Jim Antonic, a.k.a. The Brommander in Chief, with squad through this past Sunday’s bash.

Professor suggests his own book as Class of 2030 Pre-read

After the recent announcement of the Class of 2029 Pre-read selection, anthropology professor Colin Huver has expressed interest in getting his book, “The Crimson Throne of Glass Houses and Forbidden Fire” named as the Class of 2030 Pre-read.

After the recent announcement of the Class of 2029 Pre-read selection, anthropology professor Colin Huver has expressed interest in getting his book, “The Crimson Throne of Glass Houses and Forbidden Fire” named as the Class of 2030 Pre-read.

University Art Museum announces ‘Halloweekend Rave’ as opening exhibit

In light of campus-wide discontent with the museum’s prison-like exterior, the University has chosen to incorporate students into the opening. The museum plans to host a Halloween-themed rave lasting 24 hours and featuring artists TI Capone and GruberM$neyHustla.

In light of campus-wide discontent with the museum’s prison-like exterior, the University has chosen to incorporate students into the opening. The museum plans to host a Halloween-themed rave lasting 24 hours and featuring artists TI Capone and GruberM$neyHustla.

Let's impress the Class of 2029 this Preview season

Princeton Preview is upon us. Here are our top tips to make this Preview Day an unforgettable experience.

Princeton Preview is upon us. Here are our top tips to make this Preview Day an unforgettable experience.

Princeton won’t divest from Israel if you won’t

“I find it hard to make decisions too,” Arthur Patterson ’27 said. “What if I say I want to study at Firestone, but all my friends secretly wanted to study in Frist and didn’t tell me as a test. Now they all hate me. This has happened before. With three different friend groups.”

Princeton should play its Trump card and DOGE the funding attacks

We have the chance to create a valuable partnership with the powers that be and avoid the fate of some of our more naïve friends across the Ivy League. Nevertheless, it will require us to do more than just remove the DEI from our motto “Dei sub numine viget”. Using the following steps below, we can ensure Old Nassau lives as long as those 300 year old geezers who are still collecting Social Security checks.

We have the chance to create a valuable partnership with the powers that be and avoid the fate of some of our more naïve friends across the Ivy League. Nevertheless, it will require us to do more than just remove the DEI from our motto “Dei sub numine viget”. Using the following steps below, we can ensure Old Nassau lives as long as those 300 year old geezers who are still collecting Social Security checks.

New club aims to entertain humanities majors during midterms week

During this harrowing week, one group of students that find themselves lacking excitement: humanities majors. To combat this discrepancy, the University has introduced a new club called FUNdamentals, the purpose of which is to host activities for humanities majors wanting to feel included in the hustle and bustle of midterms.

During this harrowing week, one group of students that find themselves lacking excitement: humanities majors. To combat this discrepancy, the University has introduced a new club called FUNdamentals, the purpose of which is to host activities for humanities majors wanting to feel included in the hustle and bustle of midterms.

Butler College water safety found to be a No. 2 priority

An investigation launched by the DailyPrintsAnything revealed that recent construction has caused water from Butler College toilets to be rerouted to shower heads. This “chocolate rain,” as students have dubbed it, has recently taken the private and communal bathrooms of the residential college by storm. 

An investigation launched by the DailyPrintsAnything revealed that recent construction has caused water from Butler College toilets to be rerouted to shower heads. This “chocolate rain,” as students have dubbed it, has recently taken the private and communal bathrooms of the residential college by storm. 

HUM sequence students develop an Oedipus complex

The complex was originally discovered by an on-campus team headed by Professor Sigmund Fraud, recently dubbed “most in need of getting laid” by a campus-wide student survey. The complex is characterized by an unusual attraction to the parent of the opposite sex and a very normal hatred of the parent of the same sex.

The complex was originally discovered by an on-campus team headed by Professor Sigmund Fraud, recently dubbed “most in need of getting laid” by a campus-wide student survey. The complex is characterized by an unusual attraction to the parent of the opposite sex and a very normal hatred of the parent of the same sex.

TigerTease, the brand new application guaranteed to get you some action

Introducing TigerTease, the only application that lets you know when the baddie in your zee group has broken up with their high school relationship. To learn more about the app’s features, we spoke with Deepa Insaichu, a senior in the Computer Science Department and member of the Residential College Advising program at Rockefeller College.

Introducing TigerTease, the only application that lets you know when the baddie in your zee group has broken up with their high school relationship. To learn more about the app’s features, we spoke with Deepa Insaichu, a senior in the Computer Science Department and member of the Residential College Advising program at Rockefeller College.

Ask the Newcummer: Is my crush gay?

Ah, the age-old questions: is he gay if he cares about his appearance? Is he obsessed with Zendaya because she’s hot? And the biggest one: does he respect me too much to be straight? But no need to worry: no matter how big it gets, the Newcummer will take this investigation to completion.