The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS — During their long-awaited trial for crimes against humanity in August, lawyers for Vinkelson, Ingram, Leonard, and Evans (VILE) Architects have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their firm’s involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.
That’s when Alan Dershowitz, VILE’s hired-gun head attorney, dropped a bomb — secret internal documents and recordings revealing that Princeton University itself requested many of Fine’s most shameful features.
“We request that the new center for Mathematics be really, really ugly,” one document read. “On the ground floor, large concrete pillars should be placed in illogical and inconvenient places, and one of the classrooms labeled ‘Fine Hall’ should be way in the corner of a completely different building.”
While initial requests did come from Princeton, audio tapes showed that VILE was still responsible for many specific design choices. Particularly damning were recordings following VILE’s receipt of a memo from Princeton, which read, “In response to the math department’s lagging progress towards University fitness goals, we request that navigating Fine Hall require climbing many flights of stairs.”
On Sept. 17th, 1967:
Male Voice 1: “Make the elevators NARROWER, Joe!!”
Male Voice 2: “But, sir, they already only fit four people.”
Male Voice 1: (with exaggerated sweetness) “Did I stutter, Joe?”
Male Voice 2: “N… n… no sir”
Male Voice 1: “Then NARROWER, DAMMIT!”
On Sept. 20th, 1967:
Female Voice 1: “Hey Todd, I bet you I could add two more floors here.”
Male Voice 1: “Ha ha ha, you should, and switch the stairwell to the other side of the building again.”
Female Voice 1: “Ha ha ha ha ha, I can imagine those little BSE nerds, running between their classes like hamsters in a ball. Do you think we should make the AC work?”
Male Voice 1: “No way, are you crazy? Actually, I’ll get Joe to make the ventilation actively bad. Where is Joe, by the way? Probably crying or drinking alone, ha ha. JOE!?!?!?!!”
Following the release of the recordings, Princeton and the architecture firm appeared to pin the blame on Joe, captured on Princeton’s recordings as the sole employee on the 13-story building project.
“These ‘orders’ that Alan Dershowitz and his team found did not come from Princeton. If we were to speculate, they may have originated a certain architect named ‘Joe’ within VILE itself,” the University said in a statement.
Joe was last seen locked in a small room in VILE’s Trenton headquarters, designing an eight-story deep underground bathroom complex for Rockefeller College’s upcoming renovations. The International Criminal Court has placed a request for a wellness check.
When asked why Fine Hall’s case was re-opened after more than 50 years, ICC prosecutors replied “we had nothing better to do.”
Nate Voss '29 is a contributing Humor writer. He has been waiting for an open elevator since Sept. 17th. He can be reached at nv5141@princeton.edu
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