This content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The following is a guest contribution from Anx Iyetee ’29, an undergraduate at Harvard College. If you would like to submit a guest contribution, consider running your idea by some family and friends before embarrassing yourself in our newspaper. This guest contribution reflects the author’s views alone.
Dear Princetonians,
I write to you today as a refugee of the crisis in Boston. I understand that we Crimson are usually the enemy of you Tigers, but my plea to you today extends beyond our simple rivalry. Despite our recent crushing victory against you, I am humbly willing to step off my high-horse — if only for a moment — to ask you to heed my request.
Just as Martin Luther King Jr. wrote his famous letter from a cell in Birmingham to denounce the criticism of the way that his people rebelled against oppression, I write this from the deck sofa of my daddy’s yacht to ask, pretty please, that you make my problems go away for me.
My institution, Harvard, released a report on grading, lambasting our current policies in which 60 percent of undergraduates receive A’s. Our current system at Harvard — did I mention I attend Harvard? — is labeled as failing by our administration, and major changes seem all but inevitable.
Frankly, I am scared of what the future holds. This summer, at my parents’ vacation home in the Hamptons, I have been living in fear about the fate of our international peers at Harvard after the Trump administration’s relentless attacks. Now, I surely have greater worries than they do; what will happen to my stellar Harvard 4.0 grade point average?
This is a personal struggle: I am currently fighting in my Harvard classes to have my A- adjusted to an A. It is already hard enough not to even do the bare minimum, and now Harvard expects me to actually complete my readings and attend classes to receive the same grades. As a Harvard student, I used to pride myself on flaunting the name of my humble institution in Cambridge; now, I feel disgusted by being associated with this small liberal arts college in the Boston area.
If you find my story compelling, I ask that you, my noble Princetonian peers, help a Boston brother out and advocate for our Harvard grade inflation system to stay in place. I fear that you may be the only people left to help us, since you know firsthand what the disease of “hard work” and the “grindset” can do to a once-flourishing campus.
Gone are the days I can flash my Harvard triple-legacy card and have the professors on their knees. Is this the America we live in? We can still save higher education; that’s why I am calling on the only people with the brain power left to do so.
Sincerely,
Anx Iyetee
Tarun Iyengar is an Associate Humor Editor who is also a sick freak because he wants to see Harvard and Yale students suffer under grade deflation. You can reach him (but not his freak) at ti7371@princeton.edu.
Nic Rohou is a Staff Humor Writer who can definitely match Tarun’s freak even though he would never admit it. He can be reached at nr9348@princeton.edu.
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