The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As students everywhere worry about post-graduation employment, the University turned to its donors for a new solution. The University has unveiled the Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts, funded by Jeffrey Bezos ’86, a new school of study that “will allow the liberal arts experience to provide experiential training for the jobs that our students are pursuing post-graduation,” said University spokesperson Michael Hotchkiss.
The Bezos School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts will offer three majors under the A.B. degree program: Package Distribution, Employee Dissatisfaction, and Warehouse Management. Additionally, the school will offer minors in Delivery Driving and Warehouse Navigation.
In line with the school’s career readiness goal, many classes will focus on service-learning. When asked about what she was most excited for, Dr. Eve L. Menaj-Herr, a lecturer in Worker Ethics, responded, “We’re starting up a new class in employee time statistics, a field I worked in and am incredibly excited to share with students. The students I’ve met with have been very open-minded towards experimental methods for limiting employee freedom and turning people into packaging machines.”
In addition to employee time statistics, Dr. Menaj-Herr is teaching a class on the history of union busting.
New to the University, the School of Shipping and Warehouse Arts seeks to alter the student experience outside of the classroom. Once students declare a major within the school, they will be asked to purchase a bathroom plan that limits access to the bathroom with TigerCard swipes. The cheapest of the plans includes one daily swipe anywhere on campus, with one additional swipe to be used only in residential halls. Alternatively, students can buy plans with three, five, and seven swipes a day, all of which work in any bathroom on campus.
Additionally, the Frist package system will be taken over by students in the Bezos School programs. The Bezos School pitches this as an opportunity for hands-on education, which will prepare students for the workforce. However, several students have voiced concern that their packages will take even longer to get sorted. Jane Hader ’27 summed up her concern as, “I’ve had group projects with some of the people who are gonna be in there. If Jeremy couldn’t make one slide in time, then who’s to think he’ll get off his ass and sort my package?”
Nevertheless, some students welcome the Bezos School. When asked what he was most excited for, prospective Package Distribution major John Sukup ’28 said, “I really love that the Bezos School relies on our successful alumni to structure our education. Bezos was the only reason I chose to come to this school, and getting to study in a place paid for by his visionary mind is incredibly appealing.”
Ethan Gotthold '29 is a contributing Humor writer. Feel free to hit him up at eg0461@princeton.edu.
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New Freshman Seminar takes students to Mar-a-Lago for fall break
Francesca VolkemaA new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search.
A new seminar titled “Fantastic Fascists and Where to Find Them” was introduced this fall by Professor Dick Tater. Last week, the class made their way to Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach resort owned by overlord Donald J. Trump, in order to further their search.
DISPATCH | A BRATislava Summer with Princeton in Vienna
Tarun Iyengar“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”
“I would like to begin by acknowledging that we are in Vienna, Austria, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Hapsburg Monarchy, most notably led by Kaiser Franz Joseph I and Empress Maria Theresa. Their rightful land was unjustly ripped away from their hands in 1918, and we work everyday to correct such a gross transgression.”
U. axes academic calendar, will require individual faculty to determine course schedules
Jerry ZhuGordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.
Gordin and Shandley noted that abolishing the calendar would provide undergraduates with greater flexibility, building on the final assessment reforms implemented in Spring 2025. “Following the resounding success of the abolition of Dean’s Date, we have decided the best path forward is to eliminate the University-wide academic calendar altogether,” said Gordin.