The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Last Tuesday, Curtis Sliwa ’36, the Republican candidate, won the New York City mayoralty by a narrow margin, receiving 92 percent of the vote to Zohran Mamdani’s eight percent. Andrew Cuomo received only two votes, one in his home precinct, Midtown East, and one in the Bay Ridge neighborhood in South Brooklyn.
Among Sliwa’s policy proposals is a promise to levy a 40 percent endowment tax on all universities with fewer than 3,000 parades a year, a demand that Princeton promises to meet.
Astoundingly, in the wake of Sliwa’s victory on Tuesday, all of the Princeton College Republicans converted to socialism except for one. The lone holdout told reporters at The Daily PrintsAnything, “Not to glaze Sliwa, but his dedication to hating Italians is admirable.”
Sliwa’s hate for Italians dates to his time at Princeton, when he founded the Princetonians Against Italians Nearby. Sliwa was also a staff writer for The Nassau Weekly and The Princeton Progressive during his stint on campus, and was notoriously the University’s first “Long-Term Persona Non Grata.”
Sliwa, the first president of Terrace Club and social(ist) chair for the Young Democratic Socialists of America, was far more liberal on campus. He even started wearing his red beret during his time at Princeton after a nine-year-old Che Guevara, a future leader of the Cuban Revolution, gave a speech at Princeton advocating for sharing candy on Halloween.
Sliwa was not a particularly popular figure on campus at the time because he released 67 feral cats in Millie Bobby Brown Hall (otherwise known as Brown Hall) in response to the hall’s mice infestations. This incident led to Sliwa being barred from walking at graduation.
Furthermore, as an independent major in “Wokeism and Marxism,” he was a notorious enemy of the College Republicans, who shot him five times in the back of the Dinky after he began offering a service titled “Sliwa Lift,” which consisted of him sprinting between Princeton Junction and campus with students on his back for $2.90 a ride.
After Sliwa was cured from the woke mind virus via an experimental vaccine produced by members of the James Madison Program in CHM 362: The Chemistry Between Us, his views drastically shifted.
“In our defense,” said Adumbas Fast-Cyst ’38, “orgo is so confusing that we had no idea what the hell we were making. We were told that it was crack cocaine.”
Sliwa cites his political inspirations as Professor Robert P. George and Elmo, the lead star from “Sesame Street” and “Tickle Me Elmo,” for his steadfast commitment to the color red. As an active alumnus, Sliwa has been spotted back on campus multiple times. You might recognize him from the many lewdness alerts that came out last year.
Sliwa, the future namesake of Sliwa New College West, donated money to the University on the condition that the college’s mascot will be changed to the lovechild of a fox, a red beret, Pizza Rat, and 50 of his personal cats. Early sketches of the mascot have already been rejected for “being too lifelike” and “causing at least six first-years to cry,” said University spokesperson Jennifer Morrill.
Raf Basas ’28 (he/him/his) is an Opinion columnist and contributing Humor writer pursuing an independent major in “Wokeism and Marxism.” He plans on asking Professor Robert P. George to be his thesis advisor. You can reach him at raf.basas[at]princeton.edu.
Isaac Barsoum ’28 (he/him) is an Opinion columnist and contributing Humor writer who plans to switch his residential college affiliation to Sliwa New College West upon the name change. You can reach him at itbarsoum[at]princeton.edu.
Maggie Stewart ’28 (she/her) is Curtis Sliwa.
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