Football bike gang NARP$$UCK holds students hostage in Princeton Stadium

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

In a dire situation’s most recent escalation, electric bike gang NARP$$UCK has taken students hostage in Princeton Stadium. Reportedly made up of disgruntled football players, NARP$$UCK can be identified by their bikes’ breakneck speeds despite traveling distances of at most two feet.

“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.

While many students only became aware of the situation this week, NARP$$UCK actually made their initial demands over three weeks ago in a University-wide email titled “BOW TO YOUR OVERLORDS NARPS.”

“We want electric vehicles allowed on campus again. We want to cut people in Choi Dining Hall. And most importantly, at the end of the season, we want a MASSIVE, football-players-only pizza party. If our demands aren’t met, we’re gonna lose EVERY single game this season. #BikesOverHikes #FearTheBike,” the gang said in the email.

At the time, it seemed that everyone ignored the email, particularly the University, which made no moves to begin negotiations. In a statement to the Daily PrintsAnything, University spokesperson Jessica Wilson said, “We don’t negotiate with guys who fumble every other play. We all know they’re gonna lose anyway.”

With their threats going unacknowledged, NARP$$UCK escalated the situation. Two weeks ago, the gang began abducting students from the Jadwin-McDonnell-Fine area, strategically close to Princeton Stadium. These disappearances also went unnoticed.

“Unfortunately, due to the demographics of these students, no one noticed they were missing,” Wilson said. “They’re largely math and physics majors. Statistically speaking, most have no friends.”

Ultimately, NARP$$UCK contacted what they called “the most trustworthy news sources they know” to break the story: Princeton’s Barstool account.

At print time, there are a staggering two students held hostage in Princeton Stadium. The ‘Prints’ hopes for their quick return.

After the story first broke, the University released a statement threatening to put all gang members in no-elevator housing. Within minutes, NARP$$UCK released the hostages and fled the scene. Subsequent interviews with the hostages have revealed that they were not hostages at all, but instead willingly attended these football games. They have since been checked into Trenton Psychiatric Hospital.

Roberto Sampaio ’28 is a staff humor writer. In other news, he is looking for bodyguards. Must be able to fight large, zooming targets. Serious inquiries only at rs2021@princeton.edu.