Roberto Sampaio

Football bike gang NARP$$UCK holds students hostage in Princeton Stadium

“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.

“The football team is tired of being disrespected. Everyone says we can’t do shit. Well, look at us now!” Ferdinand Livingston, the youngest member of the team, said in an Instagram Live. In the same livestream, Livingston — who also goes by Throat Slasher — filmed the gang’s cruel and unusual torture of the hostages, which included watching their football games, even the ones outside the Ivy League.

Princeton won’t divest from Israel if you won’t

“I find it hard to make decisions too,” Arthur Patterson ’27 said. “What if I say I want to study at Firestone, but all my friends secretly wanted to study in Frist and didn’t tell me as a test. Now they all hate me. This has happened before. With three different friend groups.”

Ask the Newcummer: Is my crush gay?

Ah, the age-old questions: is he gay if he cares about his appearance? Is he obsessed with Zendaya because she’s hot? And the biggest one: does he respect me too much to be straight? But no need to worry: no matter how big it gets, the Newcummer will take this investigation to completion. 

Trick or treat or chlamydia: Hexpo arrives just in time for Halloween

To make sure students are still protecting their genitals while risking everything else, University Health Services (UHS) will be holding a mandatory “Hexpo,” inspired by the Safer Sexpo all Princeton students have to experience as part of orientation.

To make sure students are still protecting their genitals while risking everything else, University Health Services (UHS) will be holding a mandatory “Hexpo,” inspired by the Safer Sexpo all Princeton students have to experience as part of orientation.