The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As announced this past June, Cloister Inn will be closing its doors for the next two to three years in order to address needed renovations. This news has been particularly devastating for the about eight students who have found themselves culinarily displaced.
This past week, University Cottage Club announced plans to build a wall around its perimeter, citing heightened security concerns.
“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ’26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”
Cottage members have cited rising rates of e-bike theft and suspicions of pee trafficking as additional reasons for the recent infrastructure investment. Members speculated to be guilty of either offense will reportedly be “deported to Terrace, effective immediately.”
Fristi Gnome ’26, Cottage gear chair, weighed in with additional concerns. “I’m scared for our jobs. I don’t think anyone understands how much expertise it takes to redesign the same polo bear sweatshirt every year. You think a dirty pisser could do that?”
When asked about the financial burden the club would have to take on in order to fund this project, Cottage treasurer Moe Nee Baggs ’26 said, “We WILL have dirty Cloister pay for that wall, mark my words.”
Additionally, the Cottage board has increased identification regulations to acquire list spots. The requirements now include a Princeton ID, valid U.S. passport, social security number, full set of dental records, and one’s most recent parental W2 form confirming an annual salary of above $500,000.
“Frankly, no one loves the Cloistergrants more than I do. Maybe with the possible exception of John Witherspoon,” Clump said. “We are keeping Prospect clean, and in terms of cleanliness, it is the cleanest. And when you love ’Taj, you gotta fight like hell.”
Mike Fence ’26, a former Cloister member, said, “I don’t think any Cloister members have actually attempted to join Cottage. Also, are Cloister and Cottage even next to each other?”
Nate Voss ’29 is a contributing Humor writer. Nicolas Rohou ’28 is a staff Humor writer. Tarun Iyengar ’28 is an associate Humor editor. Sophia Varughese ’26 is a head Humor editor. They can be reached at nv5141[at]princeton.edu, nr9348[at]princeton.edu, ti7371[at]princeton.edu, and sv1456[at]princeton.edu, respectively.
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We messed up …
Sawyer DilksPrinceton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.
Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.
University announces Octobersession despite ongoing budget cuts
Nicolas Rohou“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
Crimes against humanity trial for Fine Hall architects unearths new revelations
Nathaniel VossAfter their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.
After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.