The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As we head into a brand new school year brimming with opportunity and potential, we must also look back and reflect on where we have come from. While The Daily PrintsAnything is proud to stand at the pinnacle of buffonery in journalism, it is important to all of us to acknowledge our shortcomings as well.
Princeton’s StandUp to Hazing training has opened our eyes to the suffering of our poor writers, and we thank the course for creating such an accessible avenue for legitimate discourse within our organization. Consider this our official apology for the hazing incidents that took place over the course of the last academic year.
These incidents were headed by Jess Terr ’28 and Dee Grayde ’28, as identified by a thorough internal investigation. Some of the most egregious offenses included forcing members to carry identification, with failure to do so resulting in being forced to work 48-hour shifts scrubbing our offices with a toothbrush. Having internalized the message of StandUp to Hazing, we now know this poses a great risk to our dear members by depriving them of sleep, kidnapping them from their place of residence, and deceiving them about the extent of their duties.
We would also like to apologize for making our rookie writers walk around campus wearing Penn merchandise whenever they suggested an idea that was objectively unfunny and Barstool-level material at best. Finally, we regret asking our members to submit personal photographs for publication use in our piece entitled “We heard there’s a big erection this week.”
While we maintain these incidents were funny, we cannot ignore that they were wrong and offensive, which in the realm of comedy has no space whatsoever. Our number one goal is and always has been to provide clean, uncontroversial laughs that respect all viewpoints, both valid and unabashedly stupid. StandUp to Hazing has truly taught us precisely what the expectations on this campus are and how to address them.
Rest assured that the students at fault are being dealt with appropriately. For the remainder of the semester, they are to serve as personal footstools for those in our organization, genuinely working to make it a safe and welcoming environment. Let this be a promise to our readers: we will do better.
Sawyer Dilks is a staff writer from the Class of 2027 who hopes all new members have positive and healthy experiences in whatever clubs and organizations they join. If any smoking hot members of the community are looking for a footstool, Sawyer can be contacted at sd5123[at]princeton.edu.
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Cottage to build wall to keep out Cloister refugees
Sophia Varughese, Tarun Iyengar, Nicolas Rohou, and Nathaniel Voss“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”
“My job is to keep our pure community safe from the oar tuggers and piss drinkers of the world,” Cottage President Ronald J. Clump ‘26 said. “We’re going to build a beautiful barrier, one of the best you’ve ever seen. A massive monument to our, quite frankly, wonderful members.”
University announces Octobersession despite ongoing budget cuts
Nicolas Rohou“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
“I’m excited to take Intro to the Dewey Decimal System,” noted Libby Rarian ’29. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to get really exciting once we get to 749-Furniture and Accessories.” Other notable courses students on campus have been raving about include “Cursive: What’s It Good For?”, “Balancing a Checkbook,” and “A Complete History of Sundials.”
Crimes against humanity trial for Fine Hall architects unearths new revelations
Nathaniel VossAfter their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.
After their long-awaited indictment for Crimes Against Humanity in August, VILE Architects’ lawyers have fought tooth and nail, claiming everything from ignorance to insanity drove their involvement in designing Fine Hall. However, by the closing arguments yesterday, they seemed to be backed against a wall, snared in the reams of evidence brought against them.