The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Friday, Oct. 3, Peter Johnson ’29 waited nervously in his room for a knock on the door, glancing frequently at the clock on the wall. The hour hand inched past nine. He tapped his foot, wrung his hands, and chewed voraciously on the wad of gum in his mouth. But as the minute hand passed the 15, then the 30, and finally the 45, the truth started to sink in. Tiger Venture Capital Finance Investment Management (TVCFIM) wasn’t coming. He didn’t make the cut.
Peter cursed. With TVCFIM’s rejection, his life was ruined. He would never make friends, never get a job, and never have a happy relationship. Worst of all, he would be the only member of his Zee group to not get picked up.
Peter was not a quitter, though. He would get hazed, even if TVCFIM would have nothing to do with it.
“You WILL drink this bottle of wine, frosh!” He yelled at himself before upending a full bottle into his mouth. He then forced himself to give his chair a lap dance, streamed publicly on Instagram Live. He finished his initiation by putting out several cigarettes on his skin, screaming in pain then yelling “TIME TO HIT THE STREET!”
The DailyPrintsAnything followed Peter as he stumbled his way to the Campus Club, where many other club rejects had gathered to “get lit.” There, they traded hazing stories.
“It was craaazy,” Emily Beers ’28 said. “I had to do Fortnite dances in a diaper in front of Nassau Hall, I’m never gonna live that down.” Emily self-hazed after being rejected from TigerMag for the second year in a row.
While some self-hazers were creative with their initiation activities, others used tried-and-true methods.
“The anti-hazing training was great, I learned so much from it,” Steve Bacardi ’29, a Nassoons reject, said. “I loved their suggestions of required nudity and pushing cinder blocks across a field using my bare chest and then pouring hot sauce on my open wounds.”
While most Princeton organizations unequivocally denounced self-hazing, Campus Club took a more nuanced view, recommending moderation but also celebrating its biggest night since its founding in 2008.
Nate Voss ’29 is a contributing humor writer. He can be reached at nv5141@princeton.edu.
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