U. announces it will begin measuring ‘campus consensus’ by Fizz poll

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

On Monday, Resources Committee Chair John T. Groves announced that the University will soon make a landmark decision surrounding dissociation from the parade industry. To measure “campus consensus” on the issue, a poll will be conducted on Thursday at 6 p.m. on Fizz, the anonymous campus social media app.

The poll will reportedly be posted under the question, “Do you love parades?” and have two answer choices: “Yes,” or “I hate America.” For dissociation to happen, Groves said the “I hate America” option would need to amass well over 94 percent of votes in its favor. In response to criticism that the answer choices were biased, Groves told The Daily PrintsAnything that “we are only asking students to be honest about their attitudes toward parades, and by extension, the United States of America.”

The ‘Prints’ requested a detailed statement from President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 regarding the situation. “Vox populi, vox dei,” was his response.

The shift to Fizz follows multiple failed attempts to define “campus consensus” for dissociation. Though the Resources Committee has previously accepted written comments from community members before shredding them, it recently transitioned to an in-person model, which is now discontinued due to poor attendance of just 13 students and one campus fox.

Dissociation from “Big Parade” has been a priority of campus activists for at least a decade. “We are thrilled that Princeton is considering dissociation from parades everywhere. These parades, especially the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, have no right to exist,” Kent March ’27, the Vice President of Princeton Students Against Parades, told the ‘Prints’ in an email.

Dez Feel ’26, the President of Tigers for Parades, told the ‘Prints’ in an interview that she was delighted to hear that the decision would be made by Fizz poll. “We all know that Fizz is an accurate representation of Princeton students’ opinions,” Feel said. “I am confident that Princeton students will vote to express their love for parades and eschew the America-hating anti-parade ideology espoused by the radical left.”

Shortly after John Groves’ announcement, the Princeton Public Opinion Institute issued a statement condemning the poll’s format.

“We are very disappointed by the lack of a ‘Results’ option in the Resources Committee’s forthcoming Fizz poll,” they wrote. “Such a misadministration overlooks the wide swath of the student body who might have an opinion on the issue but not care enough to vote.”

It was unclear at the time of publication whether the poll would require Fizz to be de-anonymized, and whether faculty and staff members would be allowed to create accounts on the platform to be able to vote.

Isaac Barsoum ’28 is an Opinion columnist and a contributing Humor writer. He thinks his 209,596 upvotes on Fizz should result in him assuming the University presidency after the end of the Eisgruber administration. He can be reached at itbarsoum@princeton.edu.