Humor

Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Board of Trustees votes to divest from dog fighting and other illegal enterprises

Sam McComb

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR: This announcement shocked the Princeton community, who were unaware that one-fifth of the university’s endowment was heavily invested in criminal enterprises such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare fraud. 

HUMOR | 02/16/2023

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We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

We looked at Datamatch numbers: here’s what we found

Frida Ruiz

“Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

More experienced Datamatch users were pleasantly surprised by the drastically different outcomes from previous attempts at using the platform. “Last year, I was matched with a total jerk! He took me on a date only because he found out I interned at Deloitte the summer before. The entire date he was begging me to refer him. This year things are different. I truly believe I met the love of my life. He worked at McKinsey last summer and said he would give me a referral,” said Ana Moure ’23. 

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

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‘I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor’: New CPS employees clearly not qualified counselors students requested

‘I’m pretty sure he’s a camp counselor’: New CPS employees clearly not qualified counselors students requested

Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR: One student said that they recognized their counselor as a student who works behind the desk at Dillon Gym. “I told him I had been struggling with seasonal depression since the end of November. He told me to ‘get the f*** up’ and ‘go get ripped.’”

HUMOR | 02/14/2023

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ODUS releases list of 5 ideas to make this Valentine’s Day special on campus

ODUS releases list of 5 ideas to make this Valentine’s Day special on campus

Lauren Owens and Ayushmaan Kher

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, ODUS released a brand-new list of the top five affordable things to do with that special someone on and around campus.

HUMOR | 02/13/2023

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'Football is very different from football': International students explain the Super Bowl

'Football is very different from football': International students explain the Super Bowl

Jahnavi Murthy Padukone and Samuel Kennedy

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR: “Do not be surprised when you hear your roommate yelling about ‘wide receivers,’ ‘sacks,’ and ‘tight ends.’ Although these may appear to be obscenities, they are actually common terms in this esteemed sport,” said Fang Earl ’25. “Unless you’re British, in which case they’re definitely insults.”

HUMOR | 02/12/2023

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'We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved:' Bicker conducted through TigerHub-style platform

'We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved:' Bicker conducted through TigerHub-style platform

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR: “This way, sophomores only need to worry about their wifi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture.”

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

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Nassau Hall to be picked up, walked around campus, and dropped back off

Nassau Hall to be picked up, walked around campus, and dropped back off

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR: President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 told the Daily PrintsAnything that he is “excited to wave out at onlookers from his office window and reconnect with the charm of the Princeton campus.” 

HUMOR | 02/09/2023

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University responds to postdocs’ protest, raises minimum salary by 7,000 Paw Points

University responds to postdocs’ protest, raises minimum salary by 7,000 Paw Points

Sophia Varughese

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR: “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”

HUMOR | 02/01/2023

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Honor Committee forms subcommittee to investigate cheating in relationships

Honor Committee forms subcommittee to investigate cheating in relationships

José Pablo Fernández García

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR: In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others. 

HUMOR | 01/31/2023

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Long Live Wilcox! Community members gather in memory of Wilcox dining hall

Long Live Wilcox! Community members gather in memory of Wilcox dining hall

Walker Penfield

HUMOR: “Despite its passing, Wilcox Hall’s legacy will live on. Its absence will be felt by all who knew it, and its memory will be cherished for years to come. Or at least weeks. Long live the refined Wilcox Pizza. Long live the illustrious Wilcox Salad Bar. Long live the supple Wilcox Chicken. You shall never be forgotten.”

HUMOR: “Despite its passing, Wilcox Hall’s legacy will live on. Its absence will be felt by all who knew it, and its memory will be cherished for years to come. Or at least weeks. Long live the refined Wilcox Pizza. Long live the illustrious Wilcox Salad Bar. Long live the supple Wilcox Chicken. You shall never be forgotten.”

HUMOR | 01/30/2023

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A review of some of this year’s new Wintersession courses

A review of some of this year’s new Wintersession courses

Sam McComb

HUMOR: Over the course of five days, Princeton played host to the third annual Competitive Meditation Competition, where people from around the world competed in various events, demonstrating incredible feats of spiritual enlightenment.

HUMOR: Over the course of five days, Princeton played host to the third annual Competitive Meditation Competition, where people from around the world competed in various events, demonstrating incredible feats of spiritual enlightenment.

HUMOR | 01/29/2023

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HumOrpinion: University should divert all funding to Wintersession

HumOrpinion: University should divert all funding to Wintersession

Liana Slomka and Spencer Bauman

HUMOR: What’s not to love? Where else am I able to watch a movie from the early 2000s on a large blow-up screen on the cold, wet ground outside the building where I failed my math exam?

HUMOR: What’s not to love? Where else am I able to watch a movie from the early 2000s on a large blow-up screen on the cold, wet ground outside the building where I failed my math exam?

HUMOR | 01/25/2023

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Department of Comparative Literature continues to compare literature

Department of Comparative Literature continues to compare literature

Sam McComb

HUMOR:  Founded in 1920 with a donation from eccentric billionaire John D. Rockefeller Jr., the Department of Comparative Literature’s mission is to “compare works of literature on the basis of size, weight, taste, flammability, and any other observable characteristic you can imagine.”

HUMOR:  Founded in 1920 with a donation from eccentric billionaire John D. Rockefeller Jr., the Department of Comparative Literature’s mission is to “compare works of literature on the basis of size, weight, taste, flammability, and any other observable characteristic you can imagine.”

HUMOR | 12/21/2022

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TigerAlert: Man wields blowtorch in front of crowd of students outside Firestone Library

TigerAlert: Man wields blowtorch in front of crowd of students outside Firestone Library

Liana Slomka and Spencer Bauman

HUMOR: Thirty minutes later, another TigerAlert was issued: “The entrance to Firestone Library has been cleared. Students may continue attempting to avoid academic mediocrity as they see fit.”

HUMOR: Thirty minutes later, another TigerAlert was issued: “The entrance to Firestone Library has been cleared. Students may continue attempting to avoid academic mediocrity as they see fit.”

HUMOR | 12/18/2022

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Another Cinderella story: In search of the girl who left her medium Whitman jacket at Quad

Another Cinderella story: In search of the girl who left her medium Whitman jacket at Quad

Liana Slomka

HUMOR | I met the love of my life last week. We bumped into each other getting beer and then proceeded to spend the entire night talking, dancing, laughing. She was beautiful. At least I think she was. It was really dark.

HUMOR | I met the love of my life last week. We bumped into each other getting beer and then proceeded to spend the entire night talking, dancing, laughing. She was beautiful. At least I think she was. It was really dark.

HUMOR | 12/13/2022

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Inspired by Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s courage, Princeton student drops class after failing exam

Inspired by Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s courage, Princeton student drops class after failing exam

Sam McComb

HUMOR: Gilmore described his decision as based on principle, and not having anything to do with him getting a 19 percent on his last exam, which is also Senator Sinema’s favorability rating among likely Democratic primary voters.

HUMOR: Gilmore described his decision as based on principle, and not having anything to do with him getting a 19 percent on his last exam, which is also Senator Sinema’s favorability rating among likely Democratic primary voters.

HUMOR | 12/11/2022

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Hobson College designed ugly enough to dissuade photo shoots

Hobson College designed ugly enough to dissuade photo shoots

Vitus Larrieu

HUMOR: Architecture student Archie Teck ’23 said, “The contrast between the gothic style of Patton Hall and the neo-brutalist style of Hobson speaks profoundly about the division we see in the world today. It truly speaks to the modern age.”

HUMOR: Architecture student Archie Teck ’23 said, “The contrast between the gothic style of Patton Hall and the neo-brutalist style of Hobson speaks profoundly about the division we see in the world today. It truly speaks to the modern age.”

HUMOR | 12/08/2022

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CDC concerned with rise of a cappella groups on campus

CDC concerned with rise of a cappella groups on campus

Sam McComb

HUMOR: “Our concern is that the virus could mutate,” University Health Services said in an emailed statement. “It starts with an increase in a cappella groups, but then they become glee clubs. Before you know it, your campus is overrun with barbershop quartets.”

HUMOR: “Our concern is that the virus could mutate,” University Health Services said in an emailed statement. “It starts with an increase in a cappella groups, but then they become glee clubs. Before you know it, your campus is overrun with barbershop quartets.”

HUMOR | 12/07/2022

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TigerHub celebrates 150th anniversary

TigerHub celebrates 150th anniversary

Sam McComb

HUMOR: At the time of TigerHub’s founding, students originally had no say in the courses they took at Princeton. Undergraduates followed a set curriculum that included courses like Predictive Eschatology, Marital Discipline, and Math for Masculine Men. These courses were discontinued in 1873, 1920, and 2018, respectively.

HUMOR: At the time of TigerHub’s founding, students originally had no say in the courses they took at Princeton. Undergraduates followed a set curriculum that included courses like Predictive Eschatology, Marital Discipline, and Math for Masculine Men. These courses were discontinued in 1873, 1920, and 2018, respectively.

HUMOR | 12/05/2022

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Administration warns students: ‘Please stop eating the ivy on Nassau Hall’

Administration warns students: ‘Please stop eating the ivy on Nassau Hall’

Liana Slomka

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.

HUMOR | 12/05/2022

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