Humor

TigerAlert: Man wields blowtorch in front of crowd of students outside Firestone Library

HUMOR: Thirty minutes later, another TigerAlert was issued: “The entrance to Firestone Library has been cleared. Students may continue attempting to avoid academic mediocrity as they see fit.”

HUMOR: Thirty minutes later, another TigerAlert was issued: “The entrance to Firestone Library has been cleared. Students may continue attempting to avoid academic mediocrity as they see fit.”

Another Cinderella story: In search of the girl who left her medium Whitman jacket at Quad

HUMOR | I met the love of my life last week. We bumped into each other getting beer and then proceeded to spend the entire night talking, dancing, laughing. She was beautiful. At least I think she was. It was really dark.

HUMOR | I met the love of my life last week. We bumped into each other getting beer and then proceeded to spend the entire night talking, dancing, laughing. She was beautiful. At least I think she was. It was really dark.

Inspired by Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s courage, Princeton student drops class after failing exam

HUMOR: Gilmore described his decision as based on principle, and not having anything to do with him getting a 19 percent on his last exam, which is also Senator Sinema’s favorability rating among likely Democratic primary voters.

HUMOR: Gilmore described his decision as based on principle, and not having anything to do with him getting a 19 percent on his last exam, which is also Senator Sinema’s favorability rating among likely Democratic primary voters.

Hobson College designed ugly enough to dissuade photo shoots

HUMOR: Architecture student Archie Teck ’23 said, “The contrast between the gothic style of Patton Hall and the neo-brutalist style of Hobson speaks profoundly about the division we see in the world today. It truly speaks to the modern age.”

HUMOR: Architecture student Archie Teck ’23 said, “The contrast between the gothic style of Patton Hall and the neo-brutalist style of Hobson speaks profoundly about the division we see in the world today. It truly speaks to the modern age.”

CDC concerned with rise of a cappella groups on campus

HUMOR: “Our concern is that the virus could mutate,” University Health Services said in an emailed statement. “It starts with an increase in a cappella groups, but then they become glee clubs. Before you know it, your campus is overrun with barbershop quartets.”

HUMOR: “Our concern is that the virus could mutate,” University Health Services said in an emailed statement. “It starts with an increase in a cappella groups, but then they become glee clubs. Before you know it, your campus is overrun with barbershop quartets.”

TigerHub celebrates 150th anniversary

HUMOR: At the time of TigerHub’s founding, students originally had no say in the courses they took at Princeton. Undergraduates followed a set curriculum that included courses like Predictive Eschatology, Marital Discipline, and Math for Masculine Men. These courses were discontinued in 1873, 1920, and 2018, respectively.

HUMOR: At the time of TigerHub’s founding, students originally had no say in the courses they took at Princeton. Undergraduates followed a set curriculum that included courses like Predictive Eschatology, Marital Discipline, and Math for Masculine Men. These courses were discontinued in 1873, 1920, and 2018, respectively.

Administration warns students: ‘Please stop eating the ivy on Nassau Hall’

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.

HUMOR: “We understand that dining hall food may not be fulfilling and that eating pieces of campus is a sure way to take some ownership of your undergraduate experience, but we must ask that you refrain from nibbling on the vines of our hallowed hall,” the email said.

Student developers to release new TigerApp: TigerTiger

HUMOR: “I’m really excited to have it all in one place,” said Daniel Tiger ’25, “since it usually becomes a hassle having to watch the San Diego Zoo TigerCam on one tab while I watch Tiger King on another.”

HUMOR: “I’m really excited to have it all in one place,” said Daniel Tiger ’25, “since it usually becomes a hassle having to watch the San Diego Zoo TigerCam on one tab while I watch Tiger King on another.”

Princeton builds wells

HUMOR: Princeton builds wells. A photo essay documenting the latest campus construction.

HUMOR: Princeton builds wells. A photo essay documenting the latest campus construction.

Pass/D/Fail replaced with Pretty Darn Funny option, allowing students to pass by making professor giggle

HUMOR: This change is meant to reward students who take classes purely for entertainment, students who go into class with the sole purpose of befriending their instructors, and students who perform so badly that their professors snort in surprise and concern.

HUMOR: This change is meant to reward students who take classes purely for entertainment, students who go into class with the sole purpose of befriending their instructors, and students who perform so badly that their professors snort in surprise and concern.

Midterm emotional support dogs refuse to come back for finals: “It’s just too damn much”

HUMOR: “Yes, it’s technically our job to be pet by humans, but it’s just too damn much. All this touching, it just feels invasive. Our bodies aren’t being respected,” said Charles, a sophisticated and well-groomed borzoi.”

HUMOR: “Yes, it’s technically our job to be pet by humans, but it’s just too damn much. All this touching, it just feels invasive. Our bodies aren’t being respected,” said Charles, a sophisticated and well-groomed borzoi.”

A Lot On Your Plate

Survey suggests 15% of seniors are just two first-years in a trenchcoat

HUMOR: The survey was released following rising suspicions of these “pseudo-seniors.” Individuals in trenchcoats were seen sneaking into eating clubs, while repeatedly shouting the word “thesis” in order to blend in.

HUMOR: The survey was released following rising suspicions of these “pseudo-seniors.” Individuals in trenchcoats were seen sneaking into eating clubs, while repeatedly shouting the word “thesis” in order to blend in.

Vote100 succeeds in recruiting 100 students to vote

HUMOR: Erker explained that while hundreds of application essays led the University to believe that most of its students were “activists” and “strong participants in democracy,” Vote100 recognizes that “the need to put any effort into the voting process has put many students off.”

HUMOR: Erker explained that while hundreds of application essays led the University to believe that most of its students were “activists” and “strong participants in democracy,” Vote100 recognizes that “the need to put any effort into the voting process has put many students off.”

University announces new Wawa dining plan

HUMOR: The Princeton Wawa will be renamed in honor of Chip N. Pretsel ’24, who survived all four years at Princeton subsisting on nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea purchased from Wawa. Pretsel is also the namesake of Princeton Medical Center’s new kidney transplant center.

HUMOR: The Princeton Wawa will be renamed in honor of Chip N. Pretsel ’24, who survived all four years at Princeton subsisting on nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea purchased from Wawa. Pretsel is also the namesake of Princeton Medical Center’s new kidney transplant center.

Princeton introduces new admissions category beyond early admission: blood oath

HUMOR: “It’s quite simple,” said Richardson. “You make a small incision on your pinky finger, recite the Oath of a Thousand Forbidden Serpents, and pledge your soul to Princeton for eternity.”

HUMOR: “It’s quite simple,” said Richardson. “You make a small incision on your pinky finger, recite the Oath of a Thousand Forbidden Serpents, and pledge your soul to Princeton for eternity.”

What your residential college says about you

HUMOR: Bezos College: You will be admitted to Princeton in the year 2025.

HUMOR: Bezos College: You will be admitted to Princeton in the year 2025.

Campus cockroaches seek unionization in light of First College destruction

Union organizers hope to secure new and improved living arrangements in Butler College for displaced cockroaches as soon as possible; however, fears loom around possible retaliation from University officials. 

Union organizers hope to secure new and improved living arrangements in Butler College for displaced cockroaches as soon as possible; however, fears loom around possible retaliation from University officials. 

Mushies, not slushies: Alcohol Initiative to fund psychedelics club

HUMOR: “After hearing of their transformative effects on mental health, we hope that the new influx of students tripping balls will reduce the depression that reportedly 100 percent of the University's undergraduate population experiences,” a University source said. 

HUMOR: “After hearing of their transformative effects on mental health, we hope that the new influx of students tripping balls will reduce the depression that reportedly 100 percent of the University's undergraduate population experiences,” a University source said. 

Nearly shut out, Princeton awards honorary degrees to all Nobel winners

HUMOR: “We really wanted to go for all six Nobels this year, so we went ahead and awarded a couple blank degrees. Someone can fill the names in later,” said University trustee Rez Ume Pecker ’20.

HUMOR: “We really wanted to go for all six Nobels this year, so we went ahead and awarded a couple blank degrees. Someone can fill the names in later,” said University trustee Rez Ume Pecker ’20.