The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As finals approach, the beloved dogs brought in as emotional support animals during this year’s midterm week have notified the University that they will not be returning for reading period or finals week.
“Yes, it’s technically our job to be pet by humans, but it’s just too damn much. All this touching, it just feels invasive. Our bodies aren’t being respected,” said Charles, a sophisticated and well-groomed borzoi.
Louis, a fed-up french bulldog said, “These f*cking kids think they’re stressed?! My job is literally to be touched by hundreds of people everyday. Yeah, it sucks, and yeah, I’m f*cking stressed about it, but I don’t go rubbing people’s back and stomach to make myself feel better! I’m too expensive for this bullsh*t.”
Ruby, a sweet-looking basset hound and a fan favorite during midterms week, said, “I’m just… I’m just not into that anymore. I don’t know what else to tell you.” Ruby refused to elaborate on this comment. She did mention, however, that her tell-all memoir “I’m Glad My Owner Died” will be available on Amazon Prime Video just in time for the holiday season.
A University spokesperson responded that, for finals, the dogs will be replaced with cows, goats, and other traditional farm-raised livestock.
“You know what? They’re cheaper, and they won’t f*cking complain,” they explained. “When those dogs come crawling back because they lost their health insurance, we won’t give a sh*t.”
Sophia Varughese ’26 is a contributing Humor writer who is excited to ride the cows during finals. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.