The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As students return to campus for the spring semester, The Daily PrintsAnything looks back at a handful of the events offered during this year’s Wintersession.
Princeton (Under-the-Table) Handshake
Despite the many career development opportunities the University offers, many first-generation, low-income (FLI) students still struggle to find internships in financial services, secure positions on Wall Street, and use their Princeton connections to commit insider trading.
To address this problem, the Emma Bloomberg Center organized “Princeton (Under-the Table) Handshake,” a three-day workshop that brought Wall Street professionals in to teach FLI students battle-tested tactics to profit from non-public information, while avoiding SEC scrutiny. These tactics include trading Cheesecake Factory gift certificates for “market research,” tapping into the revolving door between top law firms and the Justice Department, and fundraising for members of congressional oversight committees.
In addition to professional workshops, participants watched the films Wall Street, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Boiler Room. Famed investor John Martin ’82 gave the keynote address on his start in the industry, via teleconference from the Federal Correctional Complex in Butner, North Carolina.
Newt C. Eeater ’24 shared his enthusiasm for the program. “Growing up in the Bronx, I was unfamiliar with Wall Street culture, such as knowing the street price of Ketamine or the dress code for lunch at the Knickerbocker Club. I appreciate Princeton doing what they can to ensure that no matter where students come from, they all have the opportunity to commit securities fraud.”
Competitive Meditation Competition
Over the course of five days, Princeton hosted the third annual Competitive Meditation Competition, where people from around the world competed in various events, demonstrating incredible feats of spiritual enlightenment.
Students crowded Dillon Gym to cheer on their classmates, who sat in the lotus position on cloth cushions, with beads of sweat descending their faces as they entered a state of open, non-judgmental attention to their thoughts and feelings.
Cosponsored by Headspace and Red Bull, the event also featured opening remarks by meditation instructor Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and a surprise guest appearance by skateboarder, daredevil, and star of MTV’s Jackass, Bam Margera.
Despite their intense and vulgar trash talking, the Princeton team failed to unseat the reigning champions from the Shaolin Monastery in China, with Princeton team captain Trent Coleman ’23 only achieving stable attention and powerful mindfulness, without reaching insight into the true nature of reality.
Sam McComb is an Associate Humor Editor. His high school yearbook named him “most likely to die in a meth lab explosion.