The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Inspired by Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s courageous decision to leave the Democratic Party, Steven Gilmore ’26 has decided to drop his MAT 203: Advanced Vector Calculus course. Gilmore described his decision as based on principle and not having anything to do with him earning 19 points on his last exam, which also happens to mirror Sinema’s favorability rating among likely Arizona Democratic primary voters.
This has been described as a dramatic development for Gilmore, who was president of his high school math club, took AP Calculus as a freshman, and quoted Paul Erdős for his senior yearbook quote. Gilmore’s young idealism echoes Sinema’s own past as a member of the Green Party before cementing her legacy as the savior of several major tax loopholes.
According to witnesses, when the professor returned students’ graded exams last Wednesday, Gilmore grabbed his and put it into his backpack without looking at the grade.
Gilmore, who has previously criticized Sinema, along with Sen. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va), for defending the U.S. Senate filibuster and opposing tax increases on the wealthy, began following her on Instagram and Twitter on Friday. “Integrity move!” Gilmore commented on Sinema’s Twitter post announcing her decision to become an independent.
Upon learning that students are prohibited from withdrawing from courses this far into the semester, Gilmore said that he plans to demand a recount of his exam score.
“That’s an idea I got from ... someone else,” he said.
Sam McComb is a contributing Humor writer.
Read More
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
