The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following an announcement by the University that the minimum salary for postdoctoral researchers has been raised to $65,000, a group of these individuals petitioned the administration, calling for a further increase in the minimum salary to help cover the cost of living and raising families in Princeton.
In a recent press release, a University spokesperson responded enthusiastically, “We heard your concerns, and we listened. Boy oh boy, did we listen! Not only did we increase the minimum salary by 3,500 Paw Points like you asked — we doubled your request. It’s just our way of showing our appreciation for the postdoc community.”
When the Daily PrintsAnything asked why this raise wasn’t in dollars, the spokesperson said, “Oh? As an administration, we collectively heard them say ‘Paw Points.’ And, if I might add, I much prefer Paw Points to dollars. The exchange rate is actually favoring them right now, you know.”
Reactions to this increase among postdocs have been overwhelmingly negative, with one postdoc, Rhea Sercher, explaining, “I just had my second kid. Now, instead of being able to buy formula, I can either feed a Junbi matcha latte or Thomas Sweet melted vanilla ice cream to my infant child. Great.”
Postdoc Imhel LaBroke stated, “We didn’t write a whole petition just to be able to eat at Proof Pizza every f***ing night for the next year. I need actual money to pay my rent, not motherf***ing Paw Points.”
After being informed that they were probably thinking about the University’s Pay with Points program, which has a currency of Dining Points, Sercher and LaBroke responded with confusion.
“Wait, so what on earth are Paw Points then?” Sercher asked.
The two postdocs had no comment after learning that Paw Points have no value outside of a few on-campus locations and are primarily useful for replenishing your pencil supply at the U-Store.
Responding to this backlash, Vice President of Dining Services Sal Adbar stated, “My 401K is in Paw Points, per University regulations. I don’t understand the issue.”
Sophia Varughese is an Associate Humor Editor. She says hi to the Yeh dining hall staff everyday so she can convince herself she’s a good person.
Read More
Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
