Humor

To increase safety, Princeton installs Duo Mobile on all dorm locks

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.

HUMOR: Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.

200+ future humanities majors enroll in CHM 201 this semester

HUMOR: “I just know that witnessing a world-renowned scientist read the syllabus straight from his slides will set me on the path to an ORFE degree,” said N. Janeer ’26, who will declare Slavic Languages and Literature next semester.

HUMOR: “I just know that witnessing a world-renowned scientist read the syllabus straight from his slides will set me on the path to an ORFE degree,” said N. Janeer ’26, who will declare Slavic Languages and Literature next semester.

Princeton to cover students’ tuition in the form of U-Store credit

HUMOR: With this money to use at the U-Store, the University expects each student to be able to purchase either one short-sleeved shirt, one box of pop-tarts, two Gatorades, or an orange folder that holds three or four pieces of paper.

HUMOR: With this money to use at the U-Store, the University expects each student to be able to purchase either one short-sleeved shirt, one box of pop-tarts, two Gatorades, or an orange folder that holds three or four pieces of paper.

Relativity

Wintry Spring

Absorb

‘I’m right here’: Jack Quaid’s ego shattered as students obsess over A-list ‘Oppenheimer’ co-stars

SATIRE: “Excuse me,” one sophomore asked Quaid, believing him to be a production assistant. “Could you take a photo of me and Matt Damon?”

SATIRE: “Excuse me,” one sophomore asked Quaid, believing him to be a production assistant. “Could you take a photo of me and Matt Damon?”

‘I wrote a book!’ says senior who cobbled together 20ish-page thesis in three days

SATIRE: A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.

SATIRE: A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.

History majors push Princeton to boycott the construction industry

SATIRE: PSH will be hosting a critical screening of the animated series “Bob the Builder” in McCosh 50 tomorrow to garner support for their movement. Following the discussion of how Bob perpetuates pro-construction ideals, PSH members will convene at Poe Field and shout at the new residential colleges.

SATIRE: PSH will be hosting a critical screening of the animated series “Bob the Builder” in McCosh 50 tomorrow to garner support for their movement. Following the discussion of how Bob perpetuates pro-construction ideals, PSH members will convene at Poe Field and shout at the new residential colleges.

Let’s Get This Degree

Princeton to interview parents in upcoming application cycle

SATIRE: Students have also been advised not to write their parents’ supplement for them, and the Office of Admission has noted “we will be able to tell if they do.”

SATIRE: Students have also been advised not to write their parents’ supplement for them, and the Office of Admission has noted “we will be able to tell if they do.”

I am the staffer stuck in 48 University Place. Please help.

SATIRE: Once, I believed, as we all did, in the power of satire to enact change. No more. This is the end. Now I know that the only power of satire is to provoke more satire, more satire which nobody reads . . . 

SATIRE: Once, I believed, as we all did, in the power of satire to enact change. No more. This is the end. Now I know that the only power of satire is to provoke more satire, more satire which nobody reads . . . 

Student to return from semester abroad feeling, like, totally transformed

SATIRE: Myblog ’23 will rejoin campus with a perfect monopoly on worldly knowledge.

SATIRE: Myblog ’23 will rejoin campus with a perfect monopoly on worldly knowledge.

Princetonian Kryptonite

Box Food

Report: They're still talking in the GroupMe

SATIRE: At press time, half of the Class of 2025 was cringing at every vibration coming from the nightstand.

SATIRE: At press time, half of the Class of 2025 was cringing at every vibration coming from the nightstand.

University announces Class of 2026 pre-read “Oh, the Places You’ll Go”

SATIRE: A shift in tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced the Class of 2026 pre-read will be Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” 

SATIRE: A shift in tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced the Class of 2026 pre-read will be Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” 

Break^2

Riddle

Princeton reallocates COVID-19 resources to enforce campus ‘compassion mandate’

SATIRE: “You forget to say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes, and suddenly you’re on a flight home,” one anonymous student said. 

SATIRE: “You forget to say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes, and suddenly you’re on a flight home,” one anonymous student said.