Humor

Princeton reallocates COVID-19 resources to enforce campus ‘compassion mandate’

SATIRE: “You forget to say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes, and suddenly you’re on a flight home,” one anonymous student said. 

SATIRE: “You forget to say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes, and suddenly you’re on a flight home,” one anonymous student said. 

Viewpoint Diversity USG Task Force advocates anti-antiracist training

SATIRE: This new training would also support a new Center for Viewpoint Diversity, which would “innovatively foster the study of such oppressed disciplines as classics and jurisprudence,” according to the task force’s press release.

SATIRE: This new training would also support a new Center for Viewpoint Diversity, which would “innovatively foster the study of such oppressed disciplines as classics and jurisprudence,” according to the task force’s press release.

ECO 100 frosh's solution to isolation housing shortage: price gouging

SATIRE: “I drew the two little lines on my graph and it says we should just keep increasing prices until students simply stop demanding isolation housing,” said Eno Vative ’25

SATIRE: “I drew the two little lines on my graph and it says we should just keep increasing prices until students simply stop demanding isolation housing,” said Eno Vative ’25

Cold?

Wheel of Spring Misfortune

Black History Month

8 ways to ask out your crush this Valentine's Day

SATIRE: We at The Daily PrintsAnything have compiled a list for the hopeless romantics among us this Valentines’ Day.

SATIRE: We at The Daily PrintsAnything have compiled a list for the hopeless romantics among us this Valentines’ Day.

Devastating: Precept crush not actually that hot without a mask

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

SATIRE: “I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”

Dirty Snow

Princeton introduces “0-hundred level” courses for those who no longer wish to be academically challenged

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

SATIRE: Starting in the Fall 2022 semester, classes like MAT 002: Counting by Fives, COS 026: Making Folders in Google Drive, and CWR 002: Intro to Complete Sentences will be available for all undergraduates. 

New construction initiative to replace campus sidewalks with icy mudslides

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

SATIRE: Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”

University shocked to learn student in isolation feeling a little isolated

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

SATIRE: One Princeton official told the ‘Prints’ that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”

Memo from the office of important people in Nassau Hall with a little too much email access

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

Princeton to withhold admissions decisions to reduce student anxiety

SATIRE: All future admissions letters will simply state, “Congratulations! On behalf of Princeton University I am delighted to acknowledge your application.”

SATIRE: All future admissions letters will simply state, “Congratulations! On behalf of Princeton University I am delighted to acknowledge your application.”

In new COVID-19 protocol, UHS will offer 10 free inflatable hamster balls to positive students

SATIRE: Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE: Following several students' concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a Covid-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

Wordle Hell

Princeton announces “B Best Initiative,” retiring the A grade

SATIRE: This change is perfectly timed to impact departmental standing, graduate school acceptances, internships and job applications.

SATIRE: This change is perfectly timed to impact departmental standing, graduate school acceptances, internships and job applications.

Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

Cold(ture) Shock

Lilly and Andy: Lunchtime Overstimulation Meltdown