The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
From 12:34 a.m. to 2:44 a.m. last night, 66 percent of first-year dorm rooms across campus lit up by the intermittent glow of phones and tablets, reminding the Class of 2025 that those same four people who spammed the class as prefrosh are still, somehow, talking in the GroupMe.
Screenshots obtained by The Daily PrintsAnything reveal a steady barrage of asks to borrow screwdrivers, requests for the answer to No. 2 on the problem set, 11th hour pleas for a fourth person to add to their draw group, and proposals to share an Uber to EWR at 4 a.m. tomorrow.
Students briefly considered turning off notifications or leaving the group, but refrained “for old time’s sake.”
At press time, half of the Class of 2025 was cringing at every vibration coming from the nightstand.
Andrew Johnson, Contributing Writer at The Prospect and Staff Writer at Satire, has just changed his profile picture.