The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
A shift in tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced the Class of 2026 pre-read will be Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” This change resulted from general “dissatisfaction” with the content and length of the past few years’ pre-reads.
“Last year’s just seemed way too niche, like, what if I want to lose my way?” remarked one member of the Class of 2025. “The author of our pre-read never addressed that in her book. But then again, I never read it, so I wouldn’t know.”
Following the announcement of this change, some students still took issue with the decision.
“I find Seuss long-winded and frankly talking in circles most of the time,” commented one prospective member of the Class of 2026. “I gave it a skim and looked at the pictures, but I wish it would just get to the point. I stopped reading about halfway through — six pages in give or take.”
Another member of the Class of 2026 eagerly offered some literary criticism.
“The book makes some great arguments. I do in fact have brains in my head and feet in my shoes. But can I really steer myself in any direction I choose? I thought it raised some fascinating ontological questions and I can’t wait to discuss with my zee group in the fall!” said Avi Dreader.
Other students were less enthused about the choice, and called the book’s writing style “a bit elementary.”
Spencer Bauman is an associate satire editor. He can be reached at email@example.com.