The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
When hundreds of Princeton students descended onto East Pyne Hall on Thursday to catch a glimpse of the star-studded “Oppenheimer” cast, actor Jack Quaid was delighted.
“All these people out here to see me?” he thought to himself.
The boost to Quaid’s ego, however, was short-lived. He’d soon discover dozens of social media posts ogling over Matt Damon, Cillian Murphy, and Christopher Nolan — but a distinct lack of love for a charming Hunger Games sidekick-turned-rising star.
Quaid’s realization began during filming, when he was first approached by a group of students he assumed recognized him from his lead role in “The Boys,” Amazon’s Emmy-nominated comedic superhero drama.
“Excuse me,” one sophomore asked Quaid, believing him to be a production assistant. “Could you take a photo of me and Matt Damon?”
The slights kept coming. From within the massive crowd — likely larger than any assembled at a single sporting event or performance this year — students continued posting videos that included Quaid but solely mentioned his co-stars. Local news coverage and the national paparazzi were no kinder.
“This is ridiculous,” Quaid could be heard muttering from the set while scrolling through his Twitter feed. “I’m in the damn scene!”
Reading about the elaborate efforts some students went through to get selfies with Damon and Nolan didn’t ease the pain. Quaid was especially frustrated with the work some put into tracking down Avengers star Robert Downey Jr., who had left Princeton days earlier. If the students here are so obsessed with superheroes, he wondered, then why wasn’t Jack Quaid the main event?
“These kids are running laps around campus trying to spot Iron Man,” he added. “Like … Huey Campbell is right f***ing here!”
Zachary Shevin is a senior in the economics department and previously served as a Managing Editor at the ‘Prince.’ He loved “The Boys” (and can’t wait for season three), but didn’t feel a huge need to bake in the sun stalking celebrities like many of his peers last week. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org