The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Like generations of Princeton students before him since the year 1926, Petey Ell ’22, declared via Instagram caption “I wrote a book!” after throwing together a measly 30-page essay over the last three days.
A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.
“This really is my magnum opus. It’s like, I birthed a child! Nine months of dedication and hard labor. Years of work, my entire Princeton career all culminating in this moment,” exclaimed Ell.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke with Ell’s friends and family and found out that Ell actually switched departments in October of junior year and didn’t figure out a thesis topic until mid February.
Ell’s acknowledgements included a shout out to the Red Bulls and $2 Wawa iced coffees which powered him through the last 25 hours of a “sleepless sprint” to the deadline, as well as a list of friends, half of whom Ell confessed he would probably never speak to again after three months.
Hannah To ’22 is a senior in the economics department who just finished writing a book, and is looking to fill her time by writing other silly little things.