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Eating clubs to require PUID, positive COVID-19 test for entry

"'We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,' said a spokesperson for the ICC. 'So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.'"

“We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,” said a spokesperson for the ICC. “So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.” 

SATIRE | September 27

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Class years call for ‘unity’ after lobbying to keep each other off campus

Despite previously petitioning to keep each other off campus, first years, sophomores, juniors, and seniors are calling for “unity” in light of the University’s announcement that all students will be invited back this spring.

Despite previously petitioning to keep each other off campus, first years, sophomores, juniors, and seniors are calling for “unity” in light of the University’s announcement that all students will be invited back this spring.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Honor Committee opts for ‘trial by ordeal’ system

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Princeton trustees unanimously vote to ban Among Us, Skribbl.io, and Kahoot

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Entryways Program finishes semester strong with five total colloquium attendees

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Jealous of the international student experience, East Coast residents call for 4 a.m. classes

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 a.m. EST, office hours from 4 a.m. onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 a.m. 

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 am EST, office hours from 4 am onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 am. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

TigerHub stories

TigerHub’s new story feature breaks within hours

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 complains America is ‘too liberal,’ plans to move back to Canada

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.” 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Chris Eisgruber

‘From President to Daddy’: Eisgruber abuses Campus Message system

The University’s Campus Message system has been co-opted for President Eisgruber’s personal — and often confusing — use. Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later”; enclosed within was a mirror selfie in his office. Students are unsure how to react to the barrage of messages.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Princeton annual report reveals 90% of budget spent on Eisgruber’s personal collection of Jason Derulo memorabilia

A footnote to the University’s budget report for the 2019–2020 fiscal year reveals that the majority of funds were used by President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 to expand his private collection of Jason Derulo merchandise. A source close to the president said that the collection includes life-size wax figurines of the singer and his background dancers, personalized vinyl records, and thousands of signed t-shirts from Derulo’s 2014 worldwide tour.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Self-crowned ‘Tiger King’ Eisgruber goes public with his love for Carole Baskin

President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has changed his official title to “Tiger King Eisgruber” amid an ongoing love affair with famed big-cat rights activist and CEO of Big Cat Rescue, Carole Baskin. “What can I say? The two of us really hit it off,” Eisgruber said in an interview over Zoom, “and we’ve been emailing ever since.”

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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‘Dick’ Tator ’22 takes over Zoom class, locks professor in waiting room

When a revealing message was unintentionally sent to the whole class, Professor Tyra Nickle, embarrassed, left the meeting. In doing so, she inadvertently ceded her powers as host to an unassuming student. “I was just overwhelmed with power,” said Richard “Dick” Tator ’22, as he took the reins of his digital economics seminar.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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