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“He Bellows” conference recognizes male achievements

"He Bellows" attendees discussed the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.
"He Bellows" attendees discussed the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

Last Friday, the University held its first ever “He Bellows” conference celebrating male domination in fields like politics, technology, and the military. Notable alumni guests included U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R) ’92, Google’s Eric Schmidt ’76, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ’54.

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“There was never a men’s liberation movement,” said keynote speaker and alumnus Nee Anderthal. “So we need to be organizing and forging the rights other groups have earned.”

Anderthal graduated from the University with a degree in philosophy.

On Friday, a mediocre crowd of alumni and students filled Prospect House to discuss men’s issues over veal and bluefin tuna filets.

Topics of conversation included the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.

“We need to protect the values of the men who wrote the Constitution,” Cruz ’92 said.

One conference attendee spoke up about issues men and women face together.

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“People will tell you relationships are about showing the other person that you love them,” alumnus Al Tooreal said. “But no one talks about how relationships work for men who are hateful toward the women in their lives.”

Another “He Bellows” conference attendee was a female undergraduate student.

Cliosophic Party Chair and current junior Abigail Babbel said she wanted to learn more about what #MeToo can learn from men.

“The movement isn’t a pro-women movement,” Babbel told The Daily Princetonian. “Nothing that labels women as victims can be positive for women.”

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