The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
The author was granted anonymity due to his kinda rational fear of being murdered by radical feminists.
Citing the group’s endurance of heavy criticism after a column in The Daily Princetonian decried its sexist performance of “Kiss The Girl,” Tigertones a cappella members released a statement on Tuesday announcing their plan to organize a “Men’s March,” which will take place on campus this Saturday at 9 a.m.
Marchers will travel through the entire campus and start and conclude on the front lawn of Cottage Club, which, according to the Tones, “has generously offered to do what it can to stand up for men who have been left behind and dehumanized at the University — and more broadly, across the United States and planet Earth, and maybe even across other planets, like Mars and Jupiter.”
According to the statement, the march is meant to “cultivate solidarity among University men who feel relentlessly oppressed by totalitarian feminism and the due-process-hating #MeToo movement.”
I wholeheartedly support the Tones’ effort to push back against our female supremacist culture’s dehumanization of the red-blooded American male.
Sexism against males at the University has become so extreme that now men are lambasted by University women for using decidedly benign language in side conversations during lecture.
Reportedly, in McCosh 50, male Princetonians were unfairly chastised for using intellectually stimulating terms like “small d**k energy,” “big d**k energy,” and “average-to-only-slightly-below-average d**k energy.”
Likewise, men have been increasingly marginalized for their room decor. Public Safety Officers confiscated a “Saturdays Are for the Boys” flag from a quad in Foulke Hall.
Beyond dorm policing, other heinous forms of intersectional, systematic oppression of men abound, such as: receiving mean looks from the women they drunkenly catcall on the Street, receiving even meaner looks from women when they urinate on the steps of the Wilson School after a long night out, and being asked to let female classmates speak in precept for at least 15 seconds before interrupting them.
My fellow male classmates and — starting Saturday — comrades share the Tones’ and my sentiment.
The University has even firewalled most pornography sites. What a disgrace!
A sophomore male who plans to march told me during a recent men’s rights meeting at Dillon Gymnasium, “I’m marching because I feel judged for flexing in the gym. Everyone is just so male-negative these days. And yes, my parents did teach me that it’s not polite to take mirror selfies in the gym.”
He certainly has a point.
A University senior, who self-identifies as not a man but rather “The Man,” “The King,” or simply “God,” told me, “I’m marching on Saturday because I just want to go back to a time when men were, you know, men. Now we’re pressured to be emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and fundamentally decent human beings. It’s just sickening and cruel.”
The march has also attracted other Ivy League men frustrated by this epidemic of male maltreatment.
Joe, who will be making the trip down from New Haven this weekend, told me: “I’m marching with my fellow brutalized Ivy League men because the #MeToo movement is completely out of control. Whatever happened to due process, or the presumption of innocence, or forgiveness, or the First Amendment, or the Second Amendment, or the Third Amendment, or the Eighty-Seventh Amendment — that’s right, they’re now going after the Eighty-Seventh Amendment! Can you believe that?”
He then went on to scream, “I WENT TO YALE! I GOT INTO YALE COLLEGE, GOT INTO YALE LAW SCHOOL. WORKED MY TAIL OFF TO GET HERE!”
In fact, Joe is only a first-year undergraduate at Yale — and is likely going to drop out next semester — but the eloquent, inspirational essence of his statement holds.
Luckily, the University’s administration seems supportive of the march.
However, the Office of Communications told me the University was surely a bit concerned about the march for “security reasons and such,” and that it was considering forming a committee to determine if another committee should be formed to examine if the march should be allowed to proceed.
The Office of Communications added that this committee process will likely take “no more than two or three decades to sort out this complicated issue for our diverse campus community.”
All in all, on Saturday University men will finally have a space to rejoice in toxically masculine solidarity and come out of the closet against the feminist movement.
Let’s make America male again!