The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
Jim Olaf ’19 was never a fan of the Bicker process. He found the process overall morally disingenuous, vaguely illiberal, and almost entirely lacking in empathy. But Olaf had a vision: a process that, instead, would be morally reprehensible, completely illiberal, and entirely lacking empathy.
Like any good University student, Olaf saw a problem and came up with a solution.
He has founded what will be the newest eating club on campus, Toaster Club, of which he is the sole member.
“I just felt like the Bicker process wasn’t exclusive enough,” Olaf said. “This way, I can ensure that the Bicker process does what it’s always been intended to do: make people feel bad.”
Olaf has stated that the name has no relation to the kitchen appliance, and is in fact named after his grandfather, Hubert J. Toaster.
Students that bicker Toaster Club will go through weeks of lunches and social gatherings and, after great amounts of deliberation, the officers of the club will refuse all bickerees.
“I have to ensure that members of the club all have the right social fit to participate,” Olaf said.
The founding president of Toaster Club is Jim Olaf ’19. The founding vice president is Jim Olaf ’19, and the founding treasurer is Jim Olaf ’19.
The Toaster Club declined to give its membership and acceptance numbers. However, through the diligent work of a Daily Princetonian columnist, our paper can now report that the club is composed of 100 percent men, zero percent STEM majors, and, most shockingly, has an acceptance rate of zero percent.
Students have called out Toaster Club for its lack of diversity.
“Diversity is a founding principal of this University,” Concyrned Stoodent ’20 said. “Princeton has a long and storied history of being diverse and inclusive, and the Toaster Club stands in defiance of that rich tradition.”
To Olaf, the issues of diversity are of little concern.
He explained that the lack of diversity can simply be explained by the fact that people tend to gravitate toward eating clubs with members similar to themselves.
“When you think about it, I’m a lot like me,” Olaf said. “I like to think I get along.”
The presidents of Cannon Dial Elm Club, Cap & Gown Club, Charter Club, Cloister Inn, Colonial Club, Cottage Club, Ivy Club, Quadrangle Club, Terrace Club, Tiger Inn, and Tower Club all declined to comment.