Satire

Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 complains America is ‘too liberal,’ plans to move back to Canada

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.” 

‘From President to Daddy’: Eisgruber abuses Campus Message system

The University’s Campus Message system has been co-opted for President Eisgruber’s personal — and often confusing — use. Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later”; enclosed within was a mirror selfie in his office. Students are unsure how to react to the barrage of messages.

Princeton annual report reveals 90% of budget spent on Eisgruber’s personal collection of Jason Derulo memorabilia

A footnote to the University’s budget report for the 2019–2020 fiscal year reveals that the majority of funds were used by President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 to expand his private collection of Jason Derulo merchandise. A source close to the president said that the collection includes life-size wax figurines of the singer and his background dancers, personalized vinyl records, and thousands of signed t-shirts from Derulo’s 2014 worldwide tour.

Self-crowned ‘Tiger King’ Eisgruber goes public with his love for Carole Baskin

President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has changed his official title to “Tiger King Eisgruber” amid an ongoing love affair with famed big-cat rights activist and CEO of Big Cat Rescue, Carole Baskin. “What can I say? The two of us really hit it off,” Eisgruber said in an interview over Zoom, “and we’ve been emailing ever since.”

‘Dick’ Tator ’22 takes over Zoom class, locks professor in waiting room

When a revealing message was unintentionally sent to the whole class, Professor Tyra Nickle, embarrassed, left the meeting. In doing so, she inadvertently ceded her powers as host to an unassuming student. “I was just overwhelmed with power,” said Richard “Dick” Tator ’22, as he took the reins of his digital economics seminar.

‘Here’s Jilly!’: How Dean Dolan took control of Nassau Hall

Excluded from the Ivy League presidents’ group chat, Dean Jill Dolan decided to stage a coup. After a failed barricade and tumultuous battle, Dolan claimed victory, declaring herself President of the University. From life in the aftermath, The Daily Princetonian releases a month-long investigation charting Dolan’s rise to power.

‘Take it into my own hands’: Molecular biology graduate student develops COVID-19 vaccine

Antonia Foochi, a second year graduate student in the Department of Molecular Biology, developed a COVID-19 vaccine in the Lewis Thomas Laboratory over the summer. She spent the fall testing the vaccine on students in her MOL214 precept — to great success.

Squirrels in Firestone stressed over finals, lack motivation to finish up the semester

With significantly fewer students around, many campus squirrels feel this has been a time to establish a solid footing on campus. The squirrels were able to set up their own Furrinceton University, but are feeling the pressure as finals near. Their wish? For the students to return, and with them, normal life.

What went wrong: Princeton admissions makes rare statement on changing application

In its latest message to prospective members of the Class of 2025, the Princeton Admissions Committee announced that they would be changing the longstanding “favorites” section on the application. Their reasoning? A single horrible application.

Introducing the ‘Micrasuit’: Princeton releases new plan to open Prospect Avenue

In an effort to balance campus safety with student social life, administrators have created an innovative plan to open the Street next semester: hazmat party suits. “[The suit will] allow students to ‘get lit’ without compromising social distancing and safety. The style is very in with the youth,” Eisgruber explained in a video announcement.

Princeton Law School emerges from underground

After over a century and a half of underground operations, Princeton Law School (PLS) has finally reinstated its public presence. Previously thought to have closed in 1852 due to financial problems, PLS instead moved into a system of catacombs under the University’s campus. “Students learn how to revere — really, worship — the Constitution,” said the Dean of PLS, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 LS ’95.

Eisgruber throws it back with dance trends on TikTok

A video of him doing the Renegade has 4000 likes, and his most liked video features him throwing it back to Megan Thee Stallion’s 2020 song “Savage” in front of a green screen image of Nassau Hall. 

Going Green

Handsome Dan Transfers to Princeton

Princeton joins B1G Ten to force football game against Rutgers

In a stunning turn of events more shocking than the Dallas Cowboys coaching search, Princeton has agreed in principle to join the B1G Ten Conference, leaving their Ivy League roots behind. The move, set to occur beginning next year, will force Rutgers to play the Tigers every season.

Princeton Athletics seeks to boost student attendance by adding study stations in stands

“At many universities, students have to choose between supporting athletics and excelling in academics,“ the University statement read.  “Not at Princeton.” 

"That's bullshit": IM doping scandal roils campus

“Did I dope? Yeah. Of course. Horses don’t stop. They keep going.” 

Tower Club buys Fine Hall, spurs Street-wide change

Tower Club has purchased and relocated into Fine Hall, the former home of the Princeton mathematics department. Since this transpired, multiple other clubs have begun to reconsider their own misnomers, creating a very different ‘Street’ than students are used to.

"Double Sights" earns mixed reviews from local skateboarders

“I appreciate how the Woody Woo Inverted Half Pipe lets me pop insane frontside laser flips,” skater Rodney Mullen said. “But I’m unsure if we should be commemorating this man at a diverse and forward-thinking educational institution given his segregationist policies and rhetoric during his tenure as president of the University.”

Eisgruber impeached over illegal interference in Tiger Confessions ++ Facebook group

Tiger Confessions ++, a Facebook group in which students may post anonymous confessions about topics spanning all aspects of student life, contains just eight mentions of President Eisgruber in its over 2500 posts to date, primarily of a harmless nature.