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Satire

José Pablo Fernández García / The Daily Princetonian

Anscombe Society hosts the Don’t-Have-Sexpo

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

SATIRE | September 28

Tiger Inn, one of the Eating Clubs on Prospect Avenue. 
Ethan McAlpine / The Daily Princetonian

Eating clubs to require PUID, positive COVID-19 test for entry

"'We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,' said a spokesperson for the ICC. 'So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.'"

“We want to be sure that our parties are safe and responsible,” said a spokesperson for the ICC. “So from now on, we will only be admitting students who have tested positive within the last 48 hours.” 

SATIRE | September 27

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Harsimran Makkad / The Daily Princetonian

Class years call for ‘unity’ after lobbying to keep each other off campus

Despite previously petitioning to keep each other off campus, first years, sophomores, juniors, and seniors are calling for “unity” in light of the University’s announcement that all students will be invited back this spring.

Despite previously petitioning to keep each other off campus, first years, sophomores, juniors, and seniors are calling for “unity” in light of the University’s announcement that all students will be invited back this spring.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Sydney Peng / The Daily Princetonian

Honor Committee opts for ‘trial by ordeal’ system

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Ambri Ma / The Daily Princetonian

Princeton trustees unanimously vote to ban Among Us, Skribbl.io, and Kahoot

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Several hand-made bumper stickers sent from Dean of the College Jill Dolan to families of students who regularly attend Entryways programming
StockSnap / Pixabay and Zachary Shevin / The Daily Princetonian

Entryways Program finishes semester strong with five total colloquium attendees

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

The petition, spearheaded by Chad Rogers ‘23 of upstate New York, calls for drastic alterations in course scheduling to accommodate domestic students. 

Jealous of the international student experience, East Coast residents call for 4 a.m. classes

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 a.m. EST, office hours from 4 a.m. onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 a.m. 

A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 am EST, office hours from 4 am onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 am. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

A photo of the new TigerHub interface.

TigerHub’s new story feature breaks within hours

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips. 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Senator Ted Cruz speaking at a Whig Clio event.
Ashley Fan / The Daily Princetonian 

Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 complains America is ‘too liberal,’ plans to move back to Canada

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.” 

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 
Photo Credit: Jon Ort / The Daily Princetonian

‘From President to Daddy’: Eisgruber abuses Campus Message system

The University’s Campus Message system has been co-opted for President Eisgruber’s personal — and often confusing — use. Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later”; enclosed within was a mirror selfie in his office. Students are unsure how to react to the barrage of messages.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020