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Satire

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Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE | January 24

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Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE | November 17

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We can’t wait for student newspapers to fix themselves. So we’re starting a new one.

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE | November 16

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Princeton names new residential colleges, but with 50 year expiration date in case they regret it later

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE | October 26

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U. celebrates Nobel laureate climate scientist Syukuro Manabe, announces plans to consider divestment in like, four decades

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

SATIRE | October 12

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Band to offer midterm hit-grams

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

SATIRE | October 12

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Anscombe Society hosts the Don’t-Have-Sexpo

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

SATIRE | September 28

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