Satire

What went wrong: Princeton admissions makes rare statement on changing application

In its latest message to prospective members of the Class of 2025, the Princeton Admissions Committee announced that they would be changing the longstanding “favorites” section on the application. Their reasoning? A single horrible application.

Introducing the ‘Micrasuit’: Princeton releases new plan to open Prospect Avenue

In an effort to balance campus safety with student social life, administrators have created an innovative plan to open the Street next semester: hazmat party suits. “[The suit will] allow students to ‘get lit’ without compromising social distancing and safety. The style is very in with the youth,” Eisgruber explained in a video announcement.

Princeton Law School emerges from underground

After over a century and a half of underground operations, Princeton Law School (PLS) has finally reinstated its public presence. Previously thought to have closed in 1852 due to financial problems, PLS instead moved into a system of catacombs under the University’s campus. “Students learn how to revere — really, worship — the Constitution,” said the Dean of PLS, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 LS ’95.

Eisgruber throws it back with dance trends on TikTok

A video of him doing the Renegade has 4000 likes, and his most liked video features him throwing it back to Megan Thee Stallion’s 2020 song “Savage” in front of a green screen image of Nassau Hall. 

Going Green

Handsome Dan Transfers to Princeton

Princeton joins B1G Ten to force football game against Rutgers

In a stunning turn of events more shocking than the Dallas Cowboys coaching search, Princeton has agreed in principle to join the B1G Ten Conference, leaving their Ivy League roots behind. The move, set to occur beginning next year, will force Rutgers to play the Tigers every season.

Princeton Athletics seeks to boost student attendance by adding study stations in stands

“At many universities, students have to choose between supporting athletics and excelling in academics,“ the University statement read.  “Not at Princeton.” 

"That's bullshit": IM doping scandal roils campus

“Did I dope? Yeah. Of course. Horses don’t stop. They keep going.” 

Tower Club buys Fine Hall, spurs Street-wide change

Tower Club has purchased and relocated into Fine Hall, the former home of the Princeton mathematics department. Since this transpired, multiple other clubs have begun to reconsider their own misnomers, creating a very different ‘Street’ than students are used to.

"Double Sights" earns mixed reviews from local skateboarders

“I appreciate how the Woody Woo Inverted Half Pipe lets me pop insane frontside laser flips,” skater Rodney Mullen said. “But I’m unsure if we should be commemorating this man at a diverse and forward-thinking educational institution given his segregationist policies and rhetoric during his tenure as president of the University.”

Eisgruber impeached over illegal interference in Tiger Confessions ++ Facebook group

Tiger Confessions ++, a Facebook group in which students may post anonymous confessions about topics spanning all aspects of student life, contains just eight mentions of President Eisgruber in its over 2500 posts to date, primarily of a harmless nature.

Top 10 ways to rehabilitate Charter

Internal memos leaked to the Daily Princetonian reveal the top contenders in Charter’s redesign plan.

Honor Committee adds "pirating 'Paul Blart Mall Cop 2'" to list of crimes punishable by year-long suspension and crippling social exclusion

Henceforth undergraduates will be required to sign a pledge whenever accessing the University WiFi “I pledge my honor that I have not pirated Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and have no intention of pirating Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.”

U. replaces Dinky with giant electric scooter

The scooter is long enough to fit around three dozen students at a time, according to new Director of Parking and Transportation Carlton Calvin. However, in keeping with the air of wealth and prestige that the scooters bring to users, the price of Dinky transportation has been raised from three dollars to 300 dollars per trip.

Murray Dodge Cafe to serve edibles

Edibles will be offered starting on Dean’s Date at 4:20 am. Law enforcement has voiced immense concern.

Sophomore enjoys living in Wilson College

“It’s just such a beautiful place to spend your Princeton years,” Cox said, gesturing to Gauss Hall. “I think it was my destiny to end up a Wilsonite.”

Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura in Frist Campus Center

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week. Undergraduate Student Government has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams. 

USG president Virk ’20 faces allegations of Russian interference

A flyer for the Zarnab Virk ’20 Undergraduate Student Government (USG) presidential campaign was found translated into Russian and lying on the floor of the Slavic languages and literatures department, causing campus officials to speculate about possible collusion.

Princeton Athletics makes ‘sweeping’ changes, adds men’s curling for 2019

In 2018, the world watched in awe as curling took center stage for the Winter Olympics. Capitalizing on the interest in the sport and a potentially untapped market, the University has decided to add a 36th team to the varsity list, starting in 2019.