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The ‘Micrasuit,’ courtesy of Production Club.
Kenny Peng / The Daily Princetonian

Introducing the ‘Micrasuit’: Princeton releases new plan to open Prospect Avenue

In an effort to balance campus safety with student social life, administrators have created an innovative plan to open the Street next semester: hazmat party suits. “[The suit will] allow students to ‘get lit’ without compromising social distancing and safety. The style is very in with the youth,” Eisgruber explained in a video announcement.

SATIRE | November 30

Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 sits for an official portrait.
Courtesy of Ted Cruz Congressional website

Princeton Law School emerges from underground

After over a century and a half of underground operations, Princeton Law School (PLS) has finally reinstated its public presence. Previously thought to have closed in 1852 due to financial problems, PLS instead moved into a system of catacombs under the University’s campus. “Students learn how to revere — really, worship — the Constitution,” said the Dean of PLS, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 LS ’95.

SATIRE | November 30

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Rights Rules and Responsibilities was updated to reflect the prohibition on pirating ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.’
Photo courtesy of Princeton University Rights Rules and Responsibilities 

Honor Committee adds "pirating 'Paul Blart Mall Cop 2'" to list of crimes punishable by year-long suspension and crippling social exclusion

Henceforth undergraduates will be required to sign a pledge whenever accessing the University WiFi “I pledge my honor that I have not pirated Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and have no intention of pirating Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.”

SATIRE | 01/07/2020

Senior Witchee Chick was not on campus to see the bat, but noted that she “felt it emotionally.” Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura in Frist Campus Center

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week. Undergraduate Student Government has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams. 

SATIRE | 01/09/2019