Satire

Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

Andrew Johnson

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE | January 24

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LinkedIn junior ‘grateful and humbled’ to announce they will be making ridiculous sums of money next summer

LinkedIn junior ‘grateful and humbled’ to announce they will be making ridiculous sums of money next summer

Emma Moriarty

SATIRE: “Princeton’s maxim emphasizes the importance of serving humanity, and who am I but a human?”

SATIRE: “Princeton’s maxim emphasizes the importance of serving humanity, and who am I but a human?”

SATIRE | December 1

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Construction in your building to start in one hour

Construction in your building to start in one hour

Ben Kim and Anlon Zhu

SATIRE: Students who remain on campus will return to find five cranes and 30 piles of dirt on their beds.

SATIRE: Students who remain on campus will return to find five cranes and 30 piles of dirt on their beds.

SATIRE | December 1

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Marlboro to fund Healthy Lung Initiative at Center for Health and Wellbeing

Marlboro to fund Healthy Lung Initiative at Center for Health and Wellbeing

Hannah To and Angel Kuo

SATIRE: As part of the gift from Marlboro, RCAs will now be providing packs of cigarettes in their condom and candy bags.

SATIRE: As part of the gift from Marlboro, RCAs will now be providing packs of cigarettes in their condom and candy bags.

SATIRE | November 22

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Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

Liana Slomka

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE | November 17

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We can’t wait for student newspapers to fix themselves. So we’re starting a new one.

We can’t wait for student newspapers to fix themselves. So we’re starting a new one.

Zachary Shevin

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE | November 16

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Facilities urges students to stop flushing copies of the ‘Prince’

Facilities urges students to stop flushing copies of the ‘Prince’

Spencer Bauman

SATIRE: “Well, if you don’t flush them, we’re gonna have to at the end of the week, anyway,”  ‘Prince’ Editor-in-Chief Emma Treadway said. 

SATIRE: “Well, if you don’t flush them, we’re gonna have to at the end of the week, anyway,”  ‘Prince’ Editor-in-Chief Emma Treadway said. 

SATIRE | November 14

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Princeton announces plans to build Forbes Annex Annex

Princeton announces plans to build Forbes Annex Annex

Spencer Bauman

SATIRE: “It’s just a cube made of brick,” the chief architect told the ‘Prints.’

SATIRE: “It’s just a cube made of brick,” the chief architect told the ‘Prints.’

SATIRE | November 8

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TigerHub course registration to be replaced by hand-to-hand combat in a bid to humble students

TigerHub course registration to be replaced by hand-to-hand combat in a bid to humble students

Angel Kuo

SATIRE: The only rule is that there are no rules. 

SATIRE: The only rule is that there are no rules. 

SATIRE | November 8

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Leaked memo: Top 7 ways to spend the new $11B endowment returns

Leaked memo: Top 7 ways to spend the new $11B endowment returns

Anlon Zhu

SATIRE: A leaked internal memo shows Princeton’s plans for spending the new cash.

SATIRE: A leaked internal memo shows Princeton’s plans for spending the new cash.

SATIRE | November 4

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Princeton announces new legacy-only admissions policy

Princeton announces new legacy-only admissions policy

Liana Slomka and Hannah To

SATIRE: “Princeton announced that any applicant with double-legacy status will receive ‘double admission’ — the option of bringing a plus one to Princeton.”

SATIRE: “Princeton announced that any applicant with double-legacy status will receive ‘double admission’ — the option of bringing a plus one to Princeton.” 

SATIRE | November 2

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McCosh Health Center institutes members-only policy

McCosh Health Center institutes members-only policy

Ben Kim, Milica Maricic, and Claire Middleton

SATIRE: For those wishing to join McCosh, the club has announced that bicker starts in early January.

SATIRE: For those wishing to join McCosh, the club has announced that bicker starts in early January. 

SATIRE | November 2

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New breed of spotted lanternfly even better at dodging stomps

New breed of spotted lanternfly even better at dodging stomps

Anlon Zhu

SATIRE: “They simply dodge when we try to step on them,“ said STOMP president Eistud Yebugs ’25.

SATIRE: “They simply dodge when we try to step on them,“ said STOMP president Eistud Yebugs ’25.

SATIRE | November 1

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Princeton names new residential colleges, but with 50 year expiration date in case they regret it later

Princeton names new residential colleges, but with 50 year expiration date in case they regret it later

Andrew Johnson

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE: “Times are changing pretty fast and stuff, so the board thought it best to give the next generation of Princetonians, 50 years from now, some opportunity to revisit and clean up the University’s legacy a little bit. Just in case,” Eisgruber wrote.

SATIRE | October 26

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Princeton to replace CPS with ‘more board games’

Princeton to replace CPS with ‘more board games’

Daniel Viorica

SATIRE: “Truly, the new path to better mental wellbeing isn't therapy, or even mindfulness,” a University spokesperson said. “It's Yahtzee.”

SATIRE: “Truly, the new path to better mental wellbeing isn't therapy, or even mindfulness,” a University spokesperson said. “It's Yahtzee.”

SATIRE | October 26

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U. celebrates Nobel laureate climate scientist Syukuro Manabe, announces plans to consider divestment in like, four decades

U. celebrates Nobel laureate climate scientist Syukuro Manabe, announces plans to consider divestment in like, four decades

Liana Slomka

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

Satire: The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s work into consideration in deciding whether to make a divestment plan one of these days.

SATIRE | October 12

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Band to offer midterm hit-grams

Band to offer midterm hit-grams

Emma Moriarty

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

Satire: The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and any res college staff members who still use the phrase “unprecedented times” may fill up quickly.

SATIRE | October 12

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USG announces new Lawnparties headliner, books R. Kelly for final performance before prison

USG announces new Lawnparties headliner, books R. Kelly for final performance before prison

The Daily Princetonian apologizes for the publication of this piece.

The Daily Princetonian apologizes for the publication of this piece.

SATIRE | September 29

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Admissions office replaces “Why Princeton?” supplement with “Why not Yale?”

Admissions office replaces “Why Princeton?” supplement with “Why not Yale?”

Spencer Bauman

“We’re trying to weed out the kids who ‘could have been happy anywhere,’“ said Dean of Admission Karen Richardson ’93. 

“We’re trying to weed out the kids who ‘could have been happy anywhere,’“ said Dean of Admission Karen Richardson ’93. 

SATIRE | September 28

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Anscombe Society hosts the Don’t-Have-Sexpo

Anscombe Society hosts the Don’t-Have-Sexpo

Zachary Shevin

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Anscombe felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted to raffle chastity belts instead.

SATIRE | September 28

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