The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has been impeached by the Undergraduate Student Government (USG) following majority approval of two articles of impeachment. The charges? “Abuse of power” and “obstruction of memes.”
The inquiry began when an anonymous whistleblower leaked information about Eisgruber’s wrongdoings to the University community through an open letter sent to then-USG president Zarnab Virk ’20.
“In the course of my official duties, I have received information from multiple sources that the University President is using the power of his office to solicit interference from admin Tyga Er in the running of the Tiger Confessions ++ page,” the whistleblower wrote. “This interference includes, among other things, pressuring Tyga Er to favor ‘Eisgruber-positive’ submissions and censor ‘anti-Eisgruber’ content on the platform.”
Tiger Confessions ++, a Facebook group in which students may post anonymous confessions about topics spanning all aspects of student life, contains just eight mentions of President Eisgruber in its over 2500 posts to date, primarily of a harmless nature.
However, supporters of impeachment assert that the President sent Tyga Er several threatening Facebook DMs under the name of “Ice Ice Gruber,” in what they describe as “an emphatic but seemingly misguided bid to secure popular support for a longer tenure as president.”
In the messages, Eisgruber allegedly threatened to pull $400 million of funding from Tyga Er’s financial aid package if his demands were not met — demands that included, among other things, the deletion of all negative commentary about Eisgruber on the confessions page, and the suggestion that such posts be replaced with thinly veiled criticisms of other Ivy League administrators.
“He said something about Mark Burstein, the Executive Vice President under the previous administration, and how we might dredge up some controversy there,” Tyga Er said. “See if he has a son with any dubious ties, you know, the whole shebang. I had to point out that not only is Burstein not a challenger to the presidency, but that such an action would be highly unethical, possibly illegal ... He seemed unconcerned.”
However, Eisgruber quickly denied these allegations.
“I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO!” he insisted at a University press conference, glancing down at the words inked in shaky capital letters on a scrap of monogrammed note card.
“Does he realize that he doesn’t have to worry about re-election?” Provost Deborah Prentice whispered to Executive Vice President Treby Williams ’84 at the conference. “Because he can basically just stay in office as long as he wants?”
Her colleague offered no response.
Afterwards, students such as Ni-Eve Itai ’21 shared conflicting feelings about the statement.
“Huh. I’m no expert, but based on the glimmer of reptilian fear in his baby-blue eyes at the first threat of impeachment, I can’t help suspecting that maybe our university’s fearless leader did want a quid pro quo,” Itai said.
“No, no,” she added, breaking into nervous laughter, her eyes darting around the room. “That’s silly.”
A series of hearings took place in the fall semester, despite heavy pressure from the University to squash the investigation. USG members called in student witnesses to testify on their experiences with the anonymous group, and factions quickly formed within the student body.
“Immediately, I was appalled at this attack on our president,” pro-Eisgruber student Ayesk Roobirfan ’22 said to The Daily Princetonian, “who, bless him, wouldn’t hurt a fly. In fact, I for one wish there were many more posts in which the intellectual prowess and stunning natural beauty of our president were extolled in their rightful manner.”
On the other hand, pro-impeachment student Locke Mupp ’21 told ‘the Prince’ that he values the community provided by Tiger Confessions ++ and denounces any alleged attempts by Eisgruber to extort or otherwise interfere with its creators.
“As soon as the notifications from Tyga Er start hitting my phone, I put down my psets and go check Tiger Confessions,” Mupp said. “Where else do I have the freedom to see chaotic, mildly controversial expressions of student opinion and the same five people tagging their friends on random posts? It’s essential to our democracy!”
As there is no administrative precedent for impeachment at the University, USG officers have admitted that they are unsure of how to proceed.
“We know we can’t actually get rid of him,” said one officer, who wished to remain anonymous. “But we can take this one constitutionally permissible step, so you better believe we’re gonna milk the hell out of it.”
. . .
Update: President Eisgruber, having since discovered the veritable treasure trove of content available on the “Princeton Memes for Preppy AF Teens” Facebook group, has taken to Twitter to defend himself:
“SUCH ATROCIOUS LIES BY THE RADICAL INTERNET MEME-MAKERS,” he tweeted. “THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON THE EISGRUBER NAME, AND AN ASSAULT ON PRINCETON UNIVERSITY!!!!”
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