The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
This season, the Princeton football team had more wins than their in-state rivals have garnered in the past three years combined. Yet despite the calls from local media and a few drunk students clad in orange and black, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights have refused to schedule a non-conference game against the Tigers.
That is about to change.
In a stunning turn of events more shocking than the Dallas Cowboys’ coaching search, Princeton has agreed in principle to join the B1G Ten Conference, leaving their Ivy League roots behind. The move, set to occur next year, will force Rutgers to play the Tigers every season.
“We had extensive talks in the off-season with our boosters and other important people in the program,'' noted Princeton’s head football coach Bob Surace ’90. “Ultimately, if they don’t want to bring their game to us, we’ll just bring our game to them.”
Students and faculty around campus have already noticed changes to University lifestyle as Princeton prepares for the B1G leap. One student was quick to point members of The Daily Princetonian to Cannon Green, where a stage and picket fencing have been erected for the arrival of College GameDay.
Others reflected on the increased number of holidays in the school calendar, as the University prepares to recognize the day after football and basketball games as official holidays in the academic calendar. A few students could also be seen rushing various fraternities — a recent campus phenomenon that has never existed before — as these male social groups educate their members on how to avoid self-incrimination during inevitable hazing investigations.
Interestingly, the ‘Prince’ uncovered Class of 2024 welcome brochures that included the motto “Athletics Through Education.” When asked about the change, the Office of the Registrar noted upcoming revisions to the curriculum.
“In an effort to gel better with the other universities we will be interacting with, the University felt that changes to the academic curriculum were needed. Student athletes will now have the opportunity to participate in a program directly catered to them, which will include classes such as Health 103: How to Survive Triple Sessions, Film 102–108: The Science of the Opposing Team, and FRS 420: How to Sound Effectively Whine About Not Getting Paid. Additionally, professors will be required to excuse student athletes who need to attend ‘captain’s practices,’ which are team bonding moments and are definitely not just unmarked practices orchestrated by the coaches. We think the changes will provide us with that competitive edge while keeping us academically superior to all of our peer institutions.”
In making the move, the University will also benefit from the money received from becoming a part of the B1G Ten’s television deal. In order to avoid the mandatory waiting period before receiving funds, Princeton has agreed to bribe the B1G Ten central office with money from its $24.7 billion endowment, as it is currently unused.
According to a statement from Eisgruber’s D.M.s, the television revenue will be used to fund a 30-year plan on how to defer reparation payments, as well as a committee to cover up Princeton’s investments in fossil fuels. Additionally, the ‘Prince’ received a message on Snapchat at 2 a.m. saying, “Who knows, maybe we’ll build another Wilson monument ;).”
Committed to serving the NCAA community, Princeton has also agreed in principle to fund a new bowl game. The game will be co-sponsored by investment bank Goldman Sachs and consulting firm McKinsey & Company and be called “the Sell-Out Bowl.” Teams will play the game in the financial district of New York City, and instead of a 60-minute football game, players will compete to see who can hand out more business cards at a networking event.
The move is very exciting for the University’s football team, who are looking to enter a new chapter of their glorious history. While getting killed 105–0 by Ohio State may sound daunting, it will all be worth it when the Tigers defeat Rutgers 6–3 in front of a crowd of 69 people. As for other varsity teams, the Department of Athletics doesn’t seem that worried about their adjustment to the new conference.
“Wait, we have other varsity teams?” said an official from the department. “That’s news to me!”