The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
William Cox ’22 fancies himself a “normal” Princeton student. He misses the old Tigerbook, never eats fewer than five cookies at Murray-Dodge Cafe, and often enjoys a night out on Prospect Avenue at Campus Club.
What sets the prospective Classics concentrator apart? He loves living in Wilson College.
“It’s just such a beautiful place to spend your Princeton years,” Cox said, gesturing to Gauss Hall. “I think it was my destiny to end up a Wilsonite.”
By Cox’s account, there isn’t a single component of Wilson which lags behind the University’s five other residential colleges.
“Whitman and Butler are really nice, but I appreciate the history that Wilson brings,” Cox said. “RoMa’s really pretty, but not half as central as Wilson. And Forbes thinks they’re so great because of the ‘community?’ Try killing silverfish every night with your entire zee group; that builds community.”
Julia N. Street ’22, Cox’s girlfriend, doesn’t share the same passions.
“We were having lunch in Wu last week when Will looked at me and told me how much he likes living in Wilson. Besides that, he seemed totally fine, but totally refused to admit that Wilson is an unlivable hellhole. It was so weird,” she said.
Cox’s Wilson-centric eating habits also worry Street.
“On top of that, he had six WuCox chicken breasts on his plate when we had this conversation — nothing else,” she added. “Come to think of it, we’ve been dating for eight months and I’ve never seen him eat anything else.”
Other students interviewed under the condition of anonymity have noticed peculiar tendencies in Cox’s behavior. Various first-years and sophomores report that Cox “seems to genuinely like” working in the Julian Street library and regularly invites his friends to play volleyball in the pit on the south side of 1937 Hall.
“He was telling me the other day about how great our residential college gear is, how much he likes bright orange in combination with pastel blue,” Dodge Osborn ’23 said. “The thing is that he totally wasn’t joking. Will was completely serious. He doesn’t wear corrective lenses or anything, the dude just likes that stuff.”
Walker Nineteenthirtysevenberg ’22 holds “deep concerns” about his roommate's well-being.
“Lately he’s been totally cool with the fact that we have to go down 11 flights of stairs to use the bathroom, and yesterday I saw him talking to a friend about how ‘neat’ our building’s architecture is,” he said.
Cox seems as perplexed by those around him as they are by him. “I honestly don’t get it,” he said, “I’m just happy to live in Wilson, what’s wrong with that?”
Nineteenthirtysevenberg told The Daily Princetonian that he and Cox’s other 37 roommates are planning an intervention for Friday.
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