The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
In December, Princeton Charter Club’s Board of Governors solicited plans to redesign the club to improve enrollment numbers. Internal memos leaked to The Daily Princetonian reveal the cream of the crop. Out of the 1,746 submissions received, here are the top 10 ways to spruce up Charter.
1. Turn it into the Office of Admission. From now on, applicants will bicker the University. Bicker chair is President Eisgruber ’83. He throws you a spa night. You give him a flawless manicure. Boom. You’re in.
2. Start a cult. Sell the club to the Church of Scientology. There’s a new Tom Cruise in town. Those who dare to enter Charter Friday seldom return…
3. Convert the clubhouse into graduate student housing. All of them.
Every single graduate student at the University could be forced to live at Charter.
Photo Credit: lots of grad students
4. Exile the honor-coded to the clubhouse. You won't die, but you'll be banished from the city. “For exile hath more terror in his look/Much more than death.”
(Don’t honor-code me, please.)
(Credits to William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet,” original publication 1595.)
5. Fill it with bees. The sting of rejection from no-experience-necessary clubs is nothing compared to the sting of 1,000 bees. Really puts things in perspective.
6. Charter a new British colony. Loyalists, ho!
7. Create a cemetery for alumni. All of them. When else are you going to get the chance to exhume the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald Class of 1917, James Madison ’71, or Alan Turing GS ’38? And if you never get to be a billionaire in this lifetime, at least you’ll be buried next to a combined net worth of $574 billion.
8. Relocate the shrine to Jeff Goldblum which may or may not exist somewhere on this campus. Let it be fruitful and multiply.
9. Demolish the clubhouse entirely. Harvest the rubble to throw at your lover’s window like some kind of John Cusack movie.
10. Install a permanent McKinsey recruiting office within Charter. Who needs a Skype interview when you can network over your morning Lucky Charms? For best results on that return offer, pour milk, then cereal, then bowl.
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