The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
Realizing the absurdity of a two-story building calling itself “Tower Club,” Tower Club’s management has purchased the tallest building in Princeton. Other clubs are following Tower’s lead, creating a very different Street than students are used to.
Tower Club has purchased and relocated to Fine Hall, the former home of the Princeton mathematics department. The mathematics department will be relocating to Prospect Avenue, with all courses taught in Tower’s second-floor seminar room.
“We just couldn’t keep calling ourselves Tower with the math professors looking down on us from that 183-foot monstrosity,” club president Aliya Somani ’20 noted. “We also want to see the Tower name reflected in our membership going forward, so if you’re under seven feet, I wouldn’t recommend bickering.”
Multiple Tower officers expressed excitement about their upcoming theme night: “15 Floors of Fun.”
Since this relocation, multiple other clubs have begun to reconsider their own misnomers and implement changes as well. Cap & Gown has decided to expel all of its undergraduate members and — from this point forward — only allow alumni to bicker.
“It was really absurd that we were letting a bunch of undergrads without caps or gowns into the Cap & Gown Club,” Cap president Polly Hochman ’20 said before immediately stepping down from her leadership role. “I hope to rejoin the club in June.”
Ivy Club made changes as well. Not only has the club decided to drape Hedera helix and Epipremnum aureum across all walls of the club, but it also decided to abandon the Bicker process and allow students attending any of the eight Ivy League institutions to sign in — Cornell included.
“I’m really excited to check out some of their social events and possibly join in the spring!” said Dartmouth College unofficial mascot Keggy the Keg.
Tiger Inn briefly considered transforming itself into a B&B but decided that was not enough of a change. How could they be the Tiger Inn when they were serving breakfast to a bunch of Homo sapiens? Coming to this realization, TI has officially transformed itself into a hotel for orange-and-black-striped felines.
"The Glorious Tiger Inn, Inn for Tigers"
Photo Credit: Jon Ort / The Daily Princetonian, Public Domain Vectors, and GoodFreePhotos
Terrace has decided to make some drastic changes as well. Realizing that their patio was the only area of the club true to the name, the Terrace graduate board has put in a request to demolish the rest of the building. With the extra room, the Terrace terrace will be widely expanded.
Charter Club had already been fielding proposals for a redesign, and they recently chose their favorite. After a meeting between the Charter graduate board and U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, the club will be transformed into a government-funded charter school. The officer bedrooms will be transformed into classrooms, and the tap room will be kept as is and repurposed as the “teacher’s lounge.”
The Quadrangle Club has also made some dramatic changes. In a statement to The Daily Princetonian, the Quad graduate board wrote that it “deeply regrets allowing so many interesting, cool, and fun members to join the club over the last few years.”
“We named it Quadrangle for a reason. It was supposed to be a haven for squares on campus,” they wrote. “People always say, ‘Be there or be square.’ Well, going forward for us, it’s gonna be, ‘Be there if you’re a square, and don’t come otherwise.’”
After negotiations with Quad alumnus Jeff Bezos ’86, club management has found a way to maximize the number of “squares” — or in this case, cubes and rectangular prisms — in the club. Beginning next semester, Quad will be transformed into an Amazon Fulfillment Center. The partnership also involves the Princeton Track and Field team, whose athletes will ensure smooth operation by running items from place to place over 12-hour shifts. Bezos told the ‘Prince’ that he will be happy with this arrangement “as long as these Princeton students don’t try and unionize or anything like that.”
Track athlete Christian Brown ’22 practices for his new job.
Photo Credit: GoPrincetonTigers
Cannon briefly thought about making structural changes, as it already possesses a cannon for any potential demolition. However, deciding that their front yard was already sufficiently literal, Cannon’s house will be kept intact, though the club is considering purchasing Cannon Green from the University.
Cloister Inn president Meghan Slattery ’20 said that after a lengthy archival search, she discovered that the Cloister Inn’s name actually comes from its architecture. Cottage Club president Jamie Denham ’20 said that the club’s building is “as close to a cottage as you’re gonna find north of the Mason-Dixon Line,” so neither of those clubs will be making any changes.
Colonial Club, conversely, has decided to make arguably the largest alteration.
After reexamining the dark history of 18th century settlement and colonialism, Colonial’s officers will be shutting the club down. The land the club currently rests upon will be ceded to the Lenape Nation, and club members have created and signed a petition recommending the University to do the same — or find another way to financially compensate tribal leaders for the stolen land.
“When I performed at Colonial last fall, I was completely unaware of the gruesome history of this place, and I apologize for that,” rapper Sage the Gemini noted. “I’m really glad that club leadership made this decision, and I hope the University follows this initiative.”
With all of these changes in the works, University students have a lot to adapt to. However, no matter what future changes transpire, students can rest assured that one Street staple will stay the same.
According to University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83, there are “absolutely no plans in the works to alter Campus Club whatsoever within the next decade.”
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