‘Best Lawnparties ever’ says student with noise-cancelling headphones

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

After suffering through NLE Choppa, A Boogie Wit da Hoodie, and Amaarae, Moe Deff ’27 decided to play it safe and brought his noise-cancelling headphones. 

“I had hope, but one shuffle of her work revealed Normani’s sound to be the musical equivalent of Splenda,” Deff said. “With the headphones, though, I’ve never had a better Lawnparties.”

Deff had nothing but praise for the sight of the dancers and said that the choreography was just OK. He himself spent the entire 45-minute set cheering and jumping as they gyrated silently onstage. As for his own moves, he noted improvement, aided by “the sole beat being the sound of my overwhelming tinnitus.”

The only students who had as much fun as Deff were those who deafened themselves via other means. In a post-performance interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, Earl S. Jones ’29, who stabbed out both eardrums with a pencil halfway through the set said, “AHHGSH VAABA AGGHH BAAA!”

University Health Services, who had previously warned about Normani-Induced Self-Deafening Syndrome (NISDS), were inundated with cases on Sunday. The Princeton Facilities Site Protection team did find a silver lining, though. After analyzing videos of the crowd 15 minutes into the concert, they are beginning experiments with fire detectors that, rather than beeping, play Normani’s most recent single.

Deff’s strategy is anticipated to save countless students from auditory distress in future fall Lawnparties, especially with next year’s top contenders: KSI, Tones and I, and Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Nathaniel Voss is an Assistant Humor Editor who envied the safe, happy souls in Frist at 3 p.m. during Lawnparties Sunday. He can be reached at nathanielvoss[at]dailyprincetonian.com.

Nicolas Rohou is an Associate Humor Editor who recently purchased a pair of Bose’s new QuietComfort Ultra Noise Wireless Cancelling Headphones, available now for only $449. He credits these as having “saved [him] the pain of listening to the gym’s dog-s**t playlist.” For an affiliate link, he can be reached at nicroh[at]dailyprincetonian.com.