Sophomores act all superior as if they weren’t annoying confused freshmen within this calendar year

Since arriving on campus, sophomores have spent much of their time sneering at new students’ bright orange lanyards, complaining about roving hordes of first-years, and generally acting all high and mighty as if they were not doing the exact same thing within this calendar year. 

A Daily PrintsAnything reporter braved several conversations with sophomores to bring this story to you.

One such student, Ted Stevens ’29, was found in Addy Hall, subjecting everyone within earshot to a passionately dull story: “I told some freshman that the ceramics studio was in NCW, and he said ‘where?’ — I genuinely can’t with these kids,” he said, glancing around in a futile search for someone who cared. Stevens could not tell you that his own residential college, Yeh, was previously called New College East.

Jeremiah Smith ’29, another newly-minted prick, said he’s sick of hearing frosh flexing their SAT scores every time he steps into Wawa, especially because a 1600 isn’t really anything impressive if it’s superscored. He admitted to the ‘Prints’ that he got a 1590, but it was his first try and he just didn’t bother taking it again because he was going to get in anyways. 

It is hard to imagine that any sophomore with a functioning memory could make fun of first-years, given how many of them still flex a Cottage list spot like it makes them a Rockefeller. However, psychology professor Hatty Shrink told us that “the Class of ’29’s constant and insufferable whinging is probably not the result of mass amnesia, but rather a communal overestimation and abuse of the meager power erroneously granted to them by the passage of time.”

One of the most egregious cases of selective memory was overheard from the hallway outside of a pregame in Yeh, whose music was turned down just enough that the floor’s RCA wouldn’t get mad. “These frosh are totally going to kill the vibe at parties. I don’t even want to go out this year,” said Amy Fischler ’29, who spent every Friday last semester at Charter, begging upperclassmen for drinks until she vomited all over the poor souls on safety duty. 

Fischler’s ire wasn’t limited to actual first-years. The next day, she was seen pointing and laughing at a prototypical “annoying freshman” gawking at the intricate masonry of East Pyne Hall. Unbeknownst to Fischler, the “freshman” was actually a fellow sophomore who was able to retain some sense of wonder and joy in life. 

Nathaniel Voss is an Assistant Humor Editor and a proud member of the Class of 2029, who definitely didn’t act like that last year. He can be reached at nathanielvoss[at]dailyprincetonian.com.