Humor

‘Chosen One’ pulls cannon from Cannon Green

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

HumOrpinion: Woke editors, stop censoring my brilliant pieces

How can the Daily PrintsAnything uphold its reputation for sharp-witted and culturally-relevant satire while censoring its writers’ best ideas? Every day, we move one step closer to a draconic surveillance state that stifles important conversations.

Fire Safety conducts blindfolded inspections to avoid disturbing unclothed students

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.

All-male, all-ORFE a cappella group Valentine’s Day fundraiser fails to resonate

“I was pooping in the bathroom and they came in and began belting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at the stall door,” said one senior, who wished to remain anonymous. “The timing was absolutely terrible, and the soloist was pretty pitchy.” 

“I was pooping in the bathroom and they came in and began belting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at the stall door,” said one senior, who wished to remain anonymous. “The timing was absolutely terrible, and the soloist was pretty pitchy.” 

Students appalled by friends’ unattractive Valentine’s Day hard launches

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

Nude olympics revived following sudden snowstorm

Yeh College, who sent their Yeti mascot as the single competitor, won the second phase by a landslide.

Yeh College, who sent their Yeti mascot as the single competitor, won the second phase by a landslide.

Sledgehammer-wielding Eisgruber attacks anyone who violates PEV ban

As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.

As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.

Dan Khum ’24, Henry Gussler ’24 win Will D. Znutz mathematics prize for revolutionary ‘Khum-Gussler algorithm’

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”  

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”

Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25 said.

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” said Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25.

University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

Students applaud professor for doing his job on the last day of class

DeLoach’s course, “Incredibly Unhelpful Introduction to Essential Topic in Your Major,” is currently rated a 1.73 out of 5 on princetoncourses.com.

DeLoach’s course, “Incredibly Unhelpful Introduction to Essential Topic in Your Major,” is currently rated a 1.73 out of 5 on princetoncourses.com.

New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine.”

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine”.

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Then here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”