Committee on Committees establishes new Committee on the Committee on Committees

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

On Monday, the Faculty Committee on Committees met and announced a “paradigm-shifting” new initiative: a new Committee on the Committee on Committees. This new body, denoted CCC (not to be confused with the C3), is dedicated to “studying questions regarding the Faculty’s Committee on Committees, making policy recommendations to the Committee on Committees on matters relevant to all committees, and making appointments to the Committee on Committees,” according to a University press release.

The new committee will be chaired by University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83, who also chairs the Committee on Committees. It will have four other members: University Provost Jennifer Rexford ’91, Vice President for Communications and Government Affairs Gadi Dechter, Politics professor Robert P. George, and Coach, the Public Safety therapy dog.

“What can I say?” said Eisgruber in an interview with The Daily PrintsAnything. “I could not resist the opportunity to chair an exciting new committee, which will lend more structure to decision-making at Princeton.”

The Committee on Committees, which has jurisdiction over other committees, met for the first time in over 12 years in order to establish the CCC.

“We realized that our committee had too much power and not enough oversight,” Prossie Jure, a professor of philosophy and member of the Committee on Committees, told the ‘Prints.’ “It’s very important to us that all decisions made by any committee are actually made by a different committee, and there’s no reason why we should be an exception to that rule.”

While most University governance bodies function under one of two parliamentary procedures — Robert’s Rules of Order or F— It, We Ball — the CCC will function differently.

“I’m proud to announce that the CCC will be the first deliberative body in the world to operate under Terms of Respect rules,” said Eisgruber. “These terms are very clear and internally consistent, and the committee is well equipped to deal with disagreements about how things should go, because such disagreements are not allowed.”

In the CCC, audio and video recording will be strictly prohibited, and proceedings will be closed to outside observers, including press. Eisgruber also noted that, to ensure that the contents of the meetings remain private, members of the committee will be required to be blindfolded and wear earplugs at all times, preventing what he called “biological recording.”

As the meeting chair, Eisgruber will keep his own recordings of all meetings, he said. 

“By the power vested in me by the Recording Policy FAQ, I will keep an official video recording of CCC meetings, with seven camera angles and 12 microphones,” Eisgruber said. 

In its first meeting, which will be held on Jan. 12, 2028, according to a meeting agenda obtained by the ‘Prints,’ the Committee on the Committee on Committees will discuss the prospect of establishing a new “Committee on the Committee on the Committee on Committees.”

Isaac Barsoum, a staff Humor writer, hates committeefication and loves democracy. Assuming he’s not in a committee meeting, you can reach him at isaac[at]dailyprincetonian.com.