The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sep. 13, the University announced that Dean of the College Jill Dolan will be replaced by Artificial Intelligence (AI) following her retirement. University administrators came to the decision that given the advanced state of current AI technology, a large language model-based chatbot will be the most effective and sustainable leadership figure for the University moving forward.
The new chatbot will be run on FuqYail, an LLM developed by Cam Pewternerd '23, a recent graduate of the Department of Computer Science. Pewternerd explained how, unlike other chatbots such as ChatGPT and Bard, “FuqYail has been trained exclusively on text data drawn from Princeton senior theses, the list of women monarchs Wikipedia page, readings assigned by professors, Paula Dean cookbooks, listserv emails about dance and acapella auditions, Jenna Marbles' Youtube video transcriptions, and most importantly, Dean Dolan's emails. I believe the tailoring of this training data will help build a new Dean of the College that is, quite literally, made for the job. All it has ever known or will ever know is Princeton, so it will always have students’ best interests at heart. Or at least students’ caffeine and anxiety-induced rages in its wiring.”
A University spokesperson commented that one of the immediately visible benefits of an AI Dean will be the ability to exist omnipresently in all classrooms and on all devices. As a result, the new Dean will be able to oversee all happenings on Princeton’s campus including but not limited to meetings, lectures, precepts, assignment submissions, PEVs in restricted zones, campus fox sightings, and drunk meals purchased.
On Sept. 13, the University announced that Dean of the College Jill Dolan will be replaced by Artificial Intelligence (AI) following her retirement. University administrators came to the decision that given the advanced state of current AI technology, a large language model-based chatbot will be the most effective and sustainable leadership figure for the University moving forward.
A University spokesperson commented that one of the immediately visible benefits of an AI Dean will be the ability to exist omnipresently in all classrooms and on all devices. As a result, the new Dean will be able to oversee all happenings on Princeton’s campus including, but not limited to meetings; lectures; precepts; assignment submissions; personal electronic vehicles (PEVs) in restricted zones; campus fox sightings; and drunk meals purchased.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to Dean Dolan, who was very excited about the new AI Dean software. “I've already started using it to respond to my colleagues’ emails,” she said. “I mean, who has time to answer hundreds of Chris’s [Eisgruber] emails crying about not getting into diSiac?”
University leadership has yet to release the official title for this new position, but sources report “Leading Learning Machine,” “ChatGodPrincetonTrained,” and “Windows 95” are all under serious consideration.
Lauren Owens ’25 listened to a podcast last week where they said AI CEOs would be more effective than humans, and what is Princeton if not a huge business anyway?
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Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
