The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
COVID-19-positive students who spend five consecutive days in an isolation dorm by themselves are actually feeling a little lonely, according to a recent joint survey initiative by Counseling and Psychological Services and the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students.
“They gave me a bedsheet, but no stuffed animals. I don’t even care that it’s really cold at night without a blanket. I just wish I could fill the dark void of loneliness by wrapping myself up in a throw blanket every now and then,” said Solon Lee ’24, sobbing ever so gently. “Who could’ve known being in isolation was so isolating?”
One Princeton official told The Daily PrintsAnything that the University was surprised to learn 42 percent of students indicated that they were somewhat or strongly “in their feels.”
To accommodate for isolation dorm overflow, some students have been instructed to quarantine in their own dorms. The conditions, however, don’t seem to have improved for them.
A student who wished to remain anonymous said that they went into isolation expecting plenty of “me-time, relaxation, and fun.” Instead, they explained, the best thing they received was blue chicken and a link to a YouTube video of stock video footage of Party People Having Fun At Music Concert.
“Maybe I should’ve coughed in my roommate’s face so that we could both test positive and isolate together,” wondered Fren Liss ’22.
The Daily PrintsAnything’s conversations with these students in isolation was the sole source of human interaction the students had experienced in days. Many begged us not to conclude our interviews with them. We concluded the interviews.
Ben Kim is a first-year student concentrating in mechanical and aerospace engineering. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.