Heart-felt advice for the guys on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, which means, as you are reading this, throngs of Princeton students are practicing various ways to say, "I love you," in front of a mirror to avoid looking too sheepish. Guys on campus, meanwhile, are practicing how to say it without sounding like they're just trying to get some action. This is a very difficult task for men, whose brains compute a sexual thought every 1.8 seconds.

With that in mind, I'm here to provide you males out there with some helpful dos and don'ts this holiday season so that even if the girl of your dreams gives you the Heisman Monday night, you've at least proved to her that your inner child is alive and kicking.

First, let's deal with the traditional practice of Valentine's Day gift-giving. The standard heart-shaped box of chocolates, while a conventional display of affection, will send your belle the wrong message. Even though chocolates seem like a nice way to tell her, "You're sweet," what you're actually saying is, "You'd look a lot better if you added 15 pounds and had oily skin." Unless your significant other weighs 83 pounds and has a face reminiscent of the Sahara Desert, a box of chocolate goodies might make her a wee bit insecure.

Instead, try a bottle of cod liver oil. It may taste like liquefied copper wire, but at least it proves that you're looking out for your loved one's health and not just her sweet tooth.

Another misunderstood Valentine's Day gift is the aromatic bouquet of flowers. Not only does it demonstrate that you have the originality of a banana slug, but it could also reveal your complete obliviousness to subtlety. According to reliable female sources, flowers carry very specific connotations that men will forever be incapable of understanding. Certain hues of roses, for example, are representative not of sexual fervor, but rather of innocent friendship, which is a concept completely unrelated to Valentine's Day. If you're stubbornly devoted to winning a green thumbs-up from your date, however, you could always buy her an ounce of some dank Mary Jane. Just call up soon-to-be-former trustee Peter Lewis '55 for a stash, and she'll be laughing all the way back to your bed.

If gift-giving isn't your Oleaney bag of chips, try writing her poetry instead. When performed properly, a poem recitation can win the heart of any sentimental dame. But please be aware that the utmost discretion is advised when uttering love-laced iambic pentameter. First of all, make sure you know exactly what color her eyes are. Girls are extremely sensitive about the uniqueness of their pigmentation, so calling her eyes "blue" instead of "arctic tourmaline" could prove fatal in your quest for Valentine booty. In addition, you should try to avoid cheap rhyme schemes and traditional poetic forms. Limericks, for example, are Irish. There is a bloody holy war going on right now in Northern Ireland. This is the kind of association you want to avoid on such a romantic occasion. Instead, you should structure your poem around a series of Roman and Buddhist references as well as passages in confusing foreign languages. This approach — endorsed by Mr. T.S. Eliot himself — will befuddle and dizzy your date, making her swoon into your awaiting arms.

Of course, if all else fails, there's always the 'Street' with an endless supply of 'Beast' and Rolling Rock. You could convince her to play several games of Valentine Robopound with the cups arranged in the shape of a heart and hope for the best. Just make sure at night's end you don't blow the "I love you" part.