Princeton ranked No. 1 on ‘equally important’ LinkedIn rankings

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Princeton has retained its spot atop LinkedIn’s list of the top 50 U.S. colleges. Duke and Harvard ranked second and third. MIT, a technical college outside Boston, came in a disgraceful last place. 

Interest in the previously obscure LinkedIn rankings rose precipitously on Monday, Sept. 21 following the release of the annual update to the U.S. News and World Report rankings of the best U.S. national universities. No link between these events has yet been identified. 

“Frankly, I don’t understand the hype about Mass. Tech. Innovate Salon Academy was voted the top cosmetology school of 2025 by Education Insider Magazine and has two convenient Central Jersey locations. What’s so special about some trade school in suburban Massachusetts?” said evidently hair-obsessed Diane H. Ayre ’28. 

Several observers noted similarities between the schools’ LinkedIn rankings and the performance of their students on the site’s Mini Sudoku leaderboard.  

A spokesperson for LinkedIn declined to comment on The Daily PrintsAnything’s questions about its methodology but felt compelled to state that “LinkedIn believes that Mini Sudoku provides, in conjunction with our complete suite of assessment tools (colloquially referred to as “games”) an effective means to comprehensively evaluate the character and employability of our users.” 

Some students criticized the methodology of existing rankings. “I just don’t understand why these rankings can’t focus on the important measures of quality like secretaries of war graduated or spurious 19th century football championships claimed,” lamented Triv Yaluver ’27. 

“We are very proud to be recognized as the number one university by the world’s largest and most pre-professional professional network,” University spokesperson Michael Hotchkiss wrote in a statement. 

When asked about college rankings from the Wall Street Journal, Hotchkiss declined to comment. Sources reportedly heard him describe WSJ as “a trashy paper for third-rate journalists.”

Hotchkiss reportedly relies exclusively on The Daily PrintsAnything for all his news, citing the publication’s unblemished record of stellar and incontrovertible reporting on University affairs.  

Thomas Buckley is a contributing Humor writer majoring in SPIA. He is familiar with neither the U.S. nor the world and doesn’t understand why anyone would report on them.