“Let’s throw rocks at Teddy” not Teddy’s favorite game

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Despite its widespread popularity among his classmates, Littlebrook Elementary School fifth grader Teddy Stevens confirmed that “let’s throw rocks at Teddy” was not his favorite recess game.

“It hurts, and I don’t really understand it,” he told a Daily PrintsAnything reporter. “They all cheer and laugh and high five after, so I don’t think I’ve won yet, but I don’t know the rules.”

Teddy’s mother, Abigail Stevens, empathizes with her son but also sees the game as a learning experience: “Young children, especially boys, have to learn to compromise. Students from different backgrounds have different ways of having fun!”

She conceded that getting pelted with big sharp stones could bruise Teddy’s feelings in the short term but noted that empathy that he builds will last a lifetime. Therefore, when he complains about the game, she tells him to “appreciate the other children's inclusion,” and instructs him to “write down five things that you enjoy about the game.”

Teddy was particularly dismayed when his crush, Sally Clark, joined in the game last Thursday. However, his mother was quick to reassure him that, for Sally, absolutely beaming an egg-sized rock at his skull was probably a sign that she liked him back. 

Doug Stevens, Teddy’s father and the general manager at Princeton Roofing, disagrees with what he calls “Abigail’s emotions bullsh*t.” What Teddy needs, in his opinion, is some good practice. Doug tries to whip at least fifteen or sixteen rocks at Teddy every day, and invites the neighborhood kids over to help when he works late.

“Chucking some rocks at your son in the backyard, it’s a tradition as old as America,” Doug said. “I’m just grateful that I can be that kind of dad for Teddy.” He looked away as his eyes teared up and said, in a choked whisper, “Lord knows my father wasn’t.”

As we spoke with the Stevens family, a young man ran into the backyard, slinging hunks of concrete, which Teddy evaded by diving under the patio table. As Teddy emerged, trembling slightly, Doug clapped him on the back. “See that? Didn’t even get his can plinked. That’s an athlete right there.”

“And look how he brings the community together,” added Abigail, beaming. “We truly have a special son.”

Nathaniel Voss is an assistant Humor editor who looks back fondly on his own Elementary school's pastime, "let's call Nate a loser." He can be reached at nathanielvoss[at]dailyprincetonian.com.