The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Since U.S. News & World Report’s 2022–2023 Best National Universities list last week ranked Princeton as the No. 1 school in the country, dozens of Princeton students have contacted The Daily PrintsAnything to insist, on the record, that they are (and always have been) avid readers of U.S. News — definitely not just when college rankings come out.
“‘9 Dividend Aristocrat Stocks to Buy Now’ was, like, super helpful, especially since I’m an aristocrat,” said Mark Etin-Vester ’26, heir to the Earl of Cleveland.
Students of other backgrounds also expressed their appreciation for US News.
“Their list of ‘Best Credit Cards of September 2022’ really helped me decide which credit card to use this fall,” Amari Canexpress ’24 said, showing his Wells Fargo Reflect® Card. “Paying for my stay at PMC has never been easier!”
Not all students on campus have echoed these praises, with some critics arguing that people are only claiming to read the outlet because of this year’s rankings. University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 dismissed these claims while flipping through a copy of this week’s U.S. News & World Report.
“I’ve read U.S. News ever since late meal was upped to nine dollars!” he said. “I guess you could call me a long-time reader.”
Inspired by the passion of U.S. News readers in the campus community, the University is considering making U.S. News article “10 Fall Decor Ideas From the Pros” next year’s Pre-read.
Aidan Davis is a contributing Humor writer and first-year prospective SPIA concentrator, who is an avid reader of U.S. News.
Sam McComb is a contributing Humor writer and second-year prospective politics concentrator, who is an even more avid reader of U.S. News.
Nate Beggs is a contributing Humor writer and first-year prospective economics concentrator, who is U.S. News’ #1 fan.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
