The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Since U.S. News & World Report’s 2022–2023 Best National Universities list last week ranked Princeton as the No. 1 school in the country, dozens of Princeton students have contacted The Daily PrintsAnything to insist, on the record, that they are (and always have been) avid readers of U.S. News — definitely not just when college rankings come out.
“‘9 Dividend Aristocrat Stocks to Buy Now’ was, like, super helpful, especially since I’m an aristocrat,” said Mark Etin-Vester ’26, heir to the Earl of Cleveland.
Students of other backgrounds also expressed their appreciation for US News.
“Their list of ‘Best Credit Cards of September 2022’ really helped me decide which credit card to use this fall,” Amari Canexpress ’24 said, showing his Wells Fargo Reflect® Card. “Paying for my stay at PMC has never been easier!”
Not all students on campus have echoed these praises, with some critics arguing that people are only claiming to read the outlet because of this year’s rankings. University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 dismissed these claims while flipping through a copy of this week’s U.S. News & World Report.
“I’ve read U.S. News ever since late meal was upped to nine dollars!” he said. “I guess you could call me a long-time reader.”
Inspired by the passion of U.S. News readers in the campus community, the University is considering making U.S. News article “10 Fall Decor Ideas From the Pros” next year’s Pre-read.
Aidan Davis is a contributing Humor writer and first-year prospective SPIA concentrator, who is an avid reader of U.S. News.
Sam McComb is a contributing Humor writer and second-year prospective politics concentrator, who is an even more avid reader of U.S. News.
Nate Beggs is a contributing Humor writer and first-year prospective economics concentrator, who is U.S. News’ #1 fan.
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An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
End your craving for raving: The top five alternatives to a night out on Prospect Ave
Tarun IyengarFor many students, they believe the only way they can enjoy their time at the University is by spending every night partying on Prospect Avenue. However, there are many other options students overlook when trying to have some fun. We at The Daily PrintsAnything want you to consider these five unique ways to make your nights out extraordinary!
For many students, they believe the only way they can enjoy their time at the University is by spending every night partying on Prospect Avenue. However, there are many other options students overlook when trying to have some fun. We at The Daily PrintsAnything want you to consider these five unique ways to make your nights out extraordinary!
We heard there’s a huge erection this week
Daily PrintsAnything StaffRecent campus discourse has surrounded this Tuesday’s huge erection. We at the Daily PrintsAnything know this erection is so big it’s hard to cover, but here’s a little taste of the discussion around campus as the erection reaches its climax.
Recent campus discourse has surrounded this Tuesday’s huge erection. We at the Daily PrintsAnything know this erection is so big it’s hard to cover, but here’s a little taste of the discussion around campus as the erection reaches its climax.
