“The Self Grade Deflation initiative combines two of Princeton’s finest principles: the Honor Code and Grade Deflation,” said Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel. “I’m glad I’m leaving one more legacy in academia at Princeton before returning to my true passion in life. Human taxidermy.”
Valerie Smith, who will take over as dean in July, worked closely with Malkiel on her final project. “Nancy is truly unlike any woman I’ve ever known. Her passion for inflicting … Wait a second,” Smith said, pausing to check over her shoulders. Then she asked, “Can this be off-the-record?”
A Task Force on Grades, consisting of hosed Wilson School applicants, has been meeting secretly since September to flesh out a system for the self grade deflation policy. On Tuesday, the task force issued its formal recommendation for DRUGS, Dice: Random Undergraduate Grade System.
Based on DRUGS, every student will receive a six-sided die with faces labeled 1 through 6. At the close of each semester, students will be required to roll the die once for each course. Based on the number that lands face up, the student must detract that many thirds of a letter grade from his or her final grade.
For example, if May Idie ’14 received a B in her writing seminar and rolled 2, she would have to log into SCORE and self deflate her grade to a C+. The Office of Information Technology is currently working to add self grade deflation as an option on the SCORE website, said OIT director of academic services Serge Goldstein, adding that he hopes it will be up and running within the week.
Failure to adequately deflate one’s grades would result in a one-year suspension. A two-time offender would face a joint Honor Committee and Committee on Discipline hearing and face expulsion. Video cameras will be installed in academic buildings as well as random dormitory rooms to encourage honesty. Starbucks employees on Nassau St. have also agreed to report any suspicious looking grade deflating activity among the store’s patrons.
Catering to the anticipated increase in disciplinary hearings, the Committee on Discipline as well as the Honor Committee will each be accepting 30 new members.
“We just want to make sure we can churn out these trials like butter. Here in West College, Admission accepts students on the first floor and we kick ‘em out on the third floor,” said Dean of Undergraduate Students Kathleen Deignan. “Without a good system, the stairwells would become fire hazards.”
President Shirley Tilghman gave her wholehearted approval of DRUGS outside Studio 34 last night before purchasing a Cup Noodles. “We see ourselves as grading pioneers,” she said to those standing around. “Our prediction is that by 2020, top graduate schools will seek to accept a C student over an A student and top companies will be hiring students with failing transcripts.”
“What’s so great about A’s anyway?” she asked the convenient store’s cashier. “C’s are nice and curvy. Like my body.”
When asked about his thoughts on self grade deflation, Goa Sukmidik ’13 said, “Go suck my D. I’m working on my Dean’s Date papers.”
Kohey Noduh ’11, who was in line at Studio 34 behind Tilghman, expressed his approval of the policy in general but voiced his concern that the dice distributed weren’t going to be bio-degradable. “What will happen when a student loses his or her die, and then needs another? What then? Are we going to just keep on cutting down trees and releasing poisonous carbon dioxide into the atmosphere?”
Professors have expressed a range of opinions on the implementation of DRUGS.
Sociology professor Karen Durkins said, “I was so tired of grading papers and then arbitrarily lowering grades. Now I don’t have to anymore!”
History professor Shelldn Grawn said that he is going to miss deflating grades. “Grade deflation really helped me through the Yankees’ poor season. Every time they’d give up a run, I’d dock a mark,” he said. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if they screw up next year. Probably kick my dog.”
Students can also opt to receive corporal punishment rather than face expulsion. “We just want to make sure our students have the widest array of options,” Malkiel said.
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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