Students engage in mature conversation about blubber

PBAS modeled this event after “No Fat Talk” weeks held at colleges and universities nationwide this past year. While initiatives at other schools focused on positive body image and healthy eating habits, Pamela Johnson ’11, PBAS president, explained that “we decided to do things different in the ‘Obese’ Bubble.” In addition to the kidnappings, PBAS members are throwing blocks of cheese at skinny students, lobbying to replace the salad bars in the dining halls with make-your-own chicken wings stations and protesting grade deflation.

“The University is trying to artificially impose lower, or skinnier, grades on students” Johnson explained. “Everyone deserves big, fat A’s.”

In response to the PBAS initiative, Donald Hamilton ’14 started a rival group called, “Tigers for Health.”

“Obesity is major problem in this country,” Hamilton, TFH’s president, said. “I think that I should be allowed to make fun of the porkers until they can’t stand to look at themselves in the mirror. I don’t care if 8 million Americans have eating disorders. I’m a college student at an Ivy League university and it’s my constitutional right to be a douche-lord!”

Hamilton added that TFH will pour buckets of hot sauce on fatties, Carrie-style, or send them exploding scales through campus mail, he explained.

“We’ve already shamed and maimed 17 tummy-titans this week,” Dora Ferguson ’12, TFH secretary said. “They’ll thank us later.”

UHS director John Kolligian confirmed in an email that there are indeed 17 students in McCosh for wounds sustained in scale explosions and/or hot sauce blindness. No students have come in for cheese related injuries.

Kolligian added that the therapists at Counseling and Psychological Services are working overtime treating students for post-traumatic stress disorder related to the butter kidnappings.

In Wu-Wilcox three students went on rampages during lunch yesterday upon seeing butter packets, prompting a general riot. Wilson college administrator Laurie Hebditch sent out an e-mail asking students to please return the coffee mugs, all of which were stolen in the fracas. No other items were taken.

“Seriously guys?!” the e-mail read. “Didn’t you get the 5,000 e-mails about free travel mugs in Frist at the start of the year?”

Public Safety director Paul Ominsky said that University officials prohibited officers from combating lawlessness and chaos on campus related to PBAS and TFH action.

“We were told that students were just engaging in ‘creative dialogue’ with the passion that preceptors dream of,” he said.

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University spokeswoman Emily Aronson read the following statement to The Daily Princetonian over the phone and then, when asked several follow up questions over e-mail, replied with the exact same statement.

“Princeton University supports vibrant intellectual discussions, but not violence. Café Viv has a wide variety of healthy, organic foods. Dillon Gym is open to all student users. Alternatively, students can use Tiger Transit if they do not wish to walk or get any exercise whatsoever,” she said. “Have you seen our admissions brochures? Students here are really happy and healthy. All. The. Time.”

“Uh, we take student privacy seriously?” she added.

The American Whig Cliosophic Society is hosting a debate tonight between the PBAS and TFH. It’s titled, “Princetonians Like to Take Things out of Context for Their Own Benefit.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.