Committee on Committees launches task force on task forces

“I fear that the University is at risk of rendering the Task Force utterly useless,” Chances said at an impromptu press conference from the steps of Nassau Hall. “This tomfoolery is enough. With an average of only two Task Forces per year, the student body will soon forget that Old Nassau even issues task forces!” she added.

Midway through Chances’ treatise, which went on for 81 minutes, President Shirley Tilghman attempted to exit her fortress through a side door. Tilghman is also the ex officio chair of the Committee on Committee, but Chances said that the committee’s faculty membership had gradually turned against her.

When a member of the crowd saw a flash of orange power suit, the flock of students and professors quickly surrounded her.

“I understand why you’re upset,” Tilghman began her defense. “You want the administration to exclusively address meaningful concerns by issuing task forces that drag on until people forget about the issue, only to release a report that nobody except the tools in the USG and in The Daily Princetonian actually reads,” she said.

“I feel chastened by the turn of events, and I solemnly promise to read the Task Force on Task Forces report with due diligence, and perhaps even act on it.”

But the crowd would have none of it. “Tearing down the waffle ceilings in Butler! Ending Early Decision! Opening campus club! Trayless dining! Trayless dining! Where were the task forces then?” said Bue Rocracy ’11, before bursting into tears.

“I didn’t get a chance to ignore a single e-mail asking me to fill out an online survey for any of those,” he sobbed.

In an apparent attempt to call off the dogs, USG president Michael Yaroshefsky ’12 exited his Nassau Hall carrel to issue a proclamation of his own from his Blackberry. “My fellow students: I take myself very seriously,” he wrote in the e-mail. “I take your concerns almost as seriously, especially when they come in the form of a student survey. Though no survey has been issued in this case, I have nonetheless decided that the USG will join in on this historic effort. From now on, I call for this Task Force to be referred to as a Joint Task Force. I have also instructed USG vice president Sam Dorison ’11 to send out some e-mails to other USG members about this.”

At the end of his e-mail, Yaroshefsky wrote “Back-to-back, my bitchiz … What now?” in white text.

Chances thanked Yaroshefsky for his support and recommended that a series of meetings take place between administrators, professors and sufficiently kiss-ass students to amend the task force’s mission statement before proceeding. However, Chances said that students could still expect final plans on the task force to be announced by the end of the academic year.

Chances also gave several hints about possible recommendations for future task forces. “Obviously, the administration could endlessly issue task forces until Skipper Malkiel is blue in the tail, but we have to set priorities,” she noted, adding that “following the Task Force on Task Forces, I would certainly expect imminent action on the need to create task forces on the co-ops, international students, the Department of Pubic Safety, football, transgendered albinos, Prospect Garden, sexier preceptors and, of course, toilet paper.”

Across campus, the task force was widely regarded as a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dark era for the University, following the tragic news that Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel planned to step down after this year.

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“I just don’t understand what took so long,” said Camilia Tommison-DuFaux ’11, noting the benefits of such previous efforts as the task force on women’s leadership, which she said was singlehandedly was responsible for not changing anything.

“I’m a proud feminist!” she added.

Tom Thule ’13, another supporter of the move, said he has already begun drafting his application to join the task force. He explained that now that elected USG officers sign “fucking retarded forms” promising not to seek letters of recommendation from administrators, membership on task forces is now one of the best ways to hobnob with Nassau Hall’s top brass and still get a letter of recommendation for McKinsey and Harvard Business School.

But not all students saw eye-to-eye. Hesaid Shesaid ’14, who was asked for a quote by a fellow scared-looking freshman with a notebook just minutes before deadline, said he did not see the point of the plan.

“I don’t understand why administrators don’t just deal with shit if they don’t like it,” Shesaid said, adding “positing pre-ascribed recommendations in a task force report don’t make them any less popular with students who don’t hate fun.”

Editor’s note: The Committee on Committees actually exists. Seriously.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.