Time-out, Princeton

During his sophomore year, Alex ’11 said his life had spun “out of control.”

“Essentially I was not going to class,” Alex said. “I was smoking pot, popping Adderall all day, drinking three to four times a week with 30-plus drinks a night.” The names of Alex and several other students interviewed for this article have been changed to protect their privacy.

As his substance-abuse habits caught up with him, Alex decided to take a year off after his sophomore year, voluntarily withdrawing and enrolling in a 12-step recovery program before returning to campus for his junior year.

“I was only 15 days sober when I walked onto campus that fall,” he said, “which is probably not a very stable time for someone who really has a problem.”

Over fall break, Alex relapsed and stopped going to his 12-step meetings. He chose to take another year off, starting his junior year for a second time this fall. Alex was originally in the Class of 2009.

According to estimates provided by the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students, roughly 80 to 100 students voluntarily withdraw from the University each year for psychological difficulties or conditions requiring intensive off-campus treatment. Students cited a variety of reasons for taking time off from the University, such as mental stress linked to academics, substance abuse, physical health problems and deep-seated psychological issues. They noted that academic and social pressure on campus significantly impacted their decisions and also led to a certain degree of stigma upon their return to campus.

Reaching the breaking point

Payam Paysepar, who was originally a member of the Class of 2013, came to campus during the fall of his freshman year “feeling all right — an excited freshman like everybody else,” he said.

But, he added, he “came into college with the same high school mindset, and didn’t train [his] head to think any differently.” After joining multiple student organizations, Paysepar said he “just got more and more disconnected with everything.”

“I just started to feel like I was a car running on empty,” he explained.

For Amy Ridgeway ’12, who enrolled at the University when she was 16, the transition to college came too early.

“I think that that was too young, and I made poor class choices,” she said.

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Ridgeway, who was called into her academic dean’s office during her freshman spring after doing poorly in a class, said she did not take advantage of available resources.

“Coming from getting straight A’s during high school, the thought of dropping a course, asking for tutoring, seemed completely foreign to me,” she said, describing it as a “sign-of-weakness kind of thing.” Ridgeway is also a copy editor for The Daily Princetonian.

The American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment survey measures student opinion on the perceived impact of stress on academic performance. Stress is usually the most cited health concern among college students nationwide, Director of University Health Services John Kolligian said in an e-mail.

“Princeton students tend to track at a similar level of reported stress [as] their national counterparts,” Kolligian added.

Ridgeway said she realized she wanted to “mature a little bit” before coming back to the University.

“The people that we go to school with here [are] really intimidating and always seem to have everything together,” she explained.

Paysepar began to consider taking time off after speaking with a psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services at UHS, ultimately leaving the University in December of his freshman year.

He attributed his decision to take a year off to a desire to experience campus life to its fullest.

“I felt wasn’t fully engaged in my studies, and I want to spend all four years at Princeton being able to take advantage of all of the resources here,” he explained. “If I’m going to be here, I’m going to be here 100 percent.”

For Alex, the path back to school was rockier. Alex said that UHS recommended that he visit Corner House, a counseling center on Witherspoon Street, after he failed his first class.

“It was funny, because at first the counselor suggested that maybe moderation was for me, which is funny because, as an alcoholic, it’s not possible,” he said. “Moderation is not possible.”

After performing well on his spring midterms in his sophomore year, Alex returned to substance abuse, convincing himself that he didn’t need to cut back. “I went days and days without seeing sunlight, never went to class, and it was just really dark,” he said.

Alex withdrew from the University for a year, but when he returned back to campus in the fall of 2008, the same problem arose once more.

“I came back [that fall] because I was like, ‘I have to finish school. I can’t do this to my parents. I have to do everything and be perfect,’ ” Alex said.

But Alex said he has since recognized that failing to address his problems would threaten not just his academic and family life, but his personal health as well.

He said that his relapse that fall was “dark and scary enough that I realized that if I didn’t [sober up], not only may I not be able to graduate from Princeton, but I may probably die.”

Students have also taken time off due to physical health concerns and other psychological issues.

Katie ’12 learned that she had a rare tumor in the first week of her sophomore year.

“[It] wasn’t cancerous,” Katie said, “but I just had this series of doctor appointments and was going back and forth [from home] most weekends and ended up having three outpatient surgeries.”

Though “the health stuff all wrapped up right before Christmas break,” she said she had experienced a “very intense, stressful semester,” and ultimately chose to withdraw for the next year.

“Because the semester had been so difficult, I just didn’t really have the time to process anything that had happened,” Katie said.

“I needed time to decompress.” Though Katie finished the fall semester, she spent the next year auditing classes at a local college and founded a music program for underprivileged children.

Some students’ health problems, however, stem back to incidents that precede their time on campus. Jane ’12, who was sexually abused when she was 14, said she experienced flashbacks when her relationship with her boyfriend became emotionally harmful.

“He told me that he cared about me,” she said. “He sincerely lied to me.”

Jane explained that she trusted her boyfriend, but after he tried to pressure her “into going further than [she] wanted to,” she experienced what was later diagnosed as post-traumatic stress disorder.

“After you keep so much inside, it kind of explodes,” Jane explained.

Though she initially thought that therapy would “fix everything,” Jane found that her own insecurity only increased.

“I could hear everything; I had no sense of safety,” Jane said. “I stayed in McCosh [Health Center] because I didn’t feel safe in the dorms.” Jane took a year off beginning in May 2009 and returned to campus this spring.

Getting help on campus

While some students reported positive experiences with University programs, others expressed frustration with the services offered.

Jane noted that a therapist came to see her within minutes of walking into the Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education office. “I was completely torn apart,” she said.

Paysepar originally felt “weak” going to UHS for counseling support, he said.

“I was thinking, I can’t be the most stressed out on campus — so many people are working harder than I am, but I’m giving in and going to therapy,” he explained.

But his perspective changed as he continued treatment. “I saw a bunch of my friends who I would have never expected to be in any trouble ... It doesn’t make you abnormal to go see a therapist,” he said.

Unlike Jane and Paysepar, however, Ridgeway called her experience at UHS “frustrating.”

“I met with a woman, maybe three or four times,” she said. “I remember telling her what I was feeling, what I was going through, the emotions and stressors and angers and frustrations, and her response was just like, ‘Oh, everyone goes through that their freshman year, we see this thing all the time, that’s just a common freshman thing, it’ll get better.’ ”

“At the time,” Ridgeway explained, “I kept thinking, ‘Just telling me other people feel this way isn’t helping me deal with my issues.’ ”

Alex said that he found his advisers and teachers to be surprisingly supportive during his two years off from Princeton.

“It’s amazing, because I felt that the administration was against me when ... I was screwing up, and I expected them to sort of excuse my behavior,” he explained. “Now, when I actually reach out to them, everyone has been really supportive and really helpful. They want you to graduate, they want you to do well, and they’re willing to take steps to help you.”

Residential college advisers, UHS and the residential college deans and directors of study are all sources of support for students seeking help, said Hilary Herbold, senior associate dean of undergraduate students. She noted that residential college staff may refer a student to UHS for an evaluation if deemed necessary. While counseling is confidential, students may give permission to their clinician to communicate treatment recommendations to the student’s residential college administrators.

She added that the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students will “advise a student to take time off when — even with any help that is available — the student is still unable for any number of reasons to succeed and thrive at that time.”

Stigma and stereotypes

The students who took time off had differing opinions on how their peers perceived them and how the campus mentality impacted their views of themselves.

Ridgeway noted that “it just seems like there’s such a facade here.”

“I feel like there’s a much higher standard at Princeton that you have to appear like you’re doing OK,” she explained.

Alex also noted that the pressure exerted by such an academically challenging climate proves difficult for some students.

“Sometimes it’s easier to just not try and have a built-in excuse,” he said. “From my personal experience, it was true that being a Princeton student made it more difficult to accept that I had a problem.”

Alex added that it was easy to “glamorize” his substance use in the University’s social scene.

“I sort of felt like I was a beer athlete, like I was a social superhero just because of the amount of substances I was consuming,” Alex explained.

Paysepar said he chose not to tell many of his friends about his situation to avoid making them worry, “even when [he] was feeling pretty down.” He added, however, that the support of his friends is one of the top reasons that he looks forward to returning to campus.

Katie had a different experience.

“I honestly have never felt from people here that there’s any kind of weird stigma,” Katie said. “I love being back.”

Until relatively recently, those who took time off felt that they were part of a “very small minority” of students, Herbold noted. “But I think that with the increased support networks ... we are seeing students feeling less reluctant about considering time off because they realize that other students may have gone through similar experiences.”

For students considering time off, or for those who have returned to campus, a challenge can be maintaining self-confidence.

“Once you focus on your recovery, stuff tends to fall into place.” Alex said. “We didn’t get here by accident. We have attributes that make us Princeton students, and once you take care of yourself, it is much easier for those to take hold.”

But that approach can be difficult to accept.

“I felt like a failure because I decided to take time off,” Jane said. “I kept reminding myself that what I was doing is helping me, helping myself."

This is the last in a three-part series on stress in student life.