From taboo to tame: Interracial relationships at Princeton

Alderis is white, and Chen is Chinese, though she has lived in America since childhood. The two have been dating for more than two years, and the interracial relationship has caused some animosity between the couple’s respective families.

Many students like Alderis and Chen who date members of different races said that interracial relationships on campus are no longer as conspicuous or fraught with tension as they once were. But issues of culture and ethnicity can still be problematic, they added, noting that when cross-cultural misunderstandings occur, it is often the members of older generations, rather than the students themselves, who take issue.

Chen explained that her parents disapproved of Alderis, though it primarily had to do with religious affiliation, rather than race. Her parents are evangelical Christians, while Alderis is an atheist. She added that socioeconomics played a factor. Alderis is from rural, Christian County, Mo. His mother is a nurse and his father is a warehouse manager at an amusement park. Chen, on the other hand, hails from a more developed area outside of Washington, D.C. and her parents are white-collar workers.

“Being from Potomac, Md., I have been around a lot of diversity because it’s generally an urban area. It’s not weird to see someone from another race and talk to them,” Chen explained when she and Alderis were interviewed.

But Alderis said he thought race was a factor in Chen’s parents’ disapproval of him and his family.

“Well, they called my entire bloodline ‘riffraff,’ ” he interjected at the interview. “I think it has more to do with race than you’re allowing.”

If it’s not race…

Like Alderis and Chen, most of the students interviewed emphasized that race did not have an immediate impact on whom they chose to date.

Nestor Abreu ’12, whose parents are from Venezuela, noted that while race might be a problem for some individuals, he thought it was an “afterthought” for most young people today. Abreu’s current girlfriend, NYU sophomore Sarah Parker, is half-Japanese and half-American.

“I think our generation is less focused on the racial issues,” Abreu explained. “We’re not looking to see, ‘OK, she’s a different race than me, so I can’t date her.’ ”

Sarah Sims ’11, who has had several interracial relationships, leading people to ask her if she’s going through “phases,” also noted that her parents take into account the religious backgrounds of her boyfriends.

“I think my family is much more concerned that I marry a Christian, per se, than [with] what race they are,” she explained.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Though Sims is white and currently dating a white man from her home in Phoenix, Ariz., all of her past relationships at the University have been with either Asian or Hispanic students, she said. Sims added that her mother “really liked” one of her Asian boyfriends, but did hint that she should find another Christian.

While Sims said that she could “definitely” marry someone who was not white, she did note that there could be issues if she married someone of a different faith.

Chen said she was not conscious of race when she first started to date Alderis. For her, “a white male is the same as a male of any other race,” she explained.

When addressing the religious divide between their two families, however, Alderis noted that Chinese culture colored Chen’s parents’ perception of him.

“I wouldn’t say that’s limited to race, but I would imagine their interpretation on religion is a confluence of culture,” he said. “Chinese Christian I find to be quite different than a Christian County Christian.”

A family affair

Most students in interracial relationships explained that their parents and their significant other’s parents respected their children’s dating habits. None of the parents of the students interviewed prohibited their sons or daughters from dating outside of their race.

Zoe Goldman ’11, who is white, explained that her parents actually inadvertently introduced her to her boyfriend, Nikhil Gupta ’09, who is Indian. While trying to convince their daughter to attend the University, Goldman’s parents took her to dinner with a group of students, one of whom was Gupta. Goldman said that her parents have been “very supportive” and that race does not impact her relationship.

“If race is a big deal for you, it’s probably something that’s going to be a big deal in a relationship,” she said.

For other students, however, there has been more evidence of relationship issues rooted in culture or ethnicity.

Sims said her father thought her choice in men was “a little weird.” While he might say something like, “So, you’re dating an Asian guy,” Sims noted that her father has not prohibited her from dating interracially.

Julio ’11, who is Hispanic, has a dating history that would make the United Nations proud. His last three girlfriends have been black, Chinese-American and white, respectively. When he was dating his Chinese-American girlfriend, she did not want to tell her parents that she was going out with someone who was not Chinese. Julio explained that her parents were “very strict and very traditional,” adding that it made him feel “shunned” when his girlfriend was “ashamed” of him. (Julio’s name has been changed to protect his privacy.)

Julio’s own family members have told him to “keep it pure.”

“I have a Cuban cousin — he’s under the impression that I have to date and marry a Cuban girl,” he explained.

Language can also present an obstacle for interracial couples and their families, students said.

“Maybe it [would be] easier if I dated someone who was a part of my culture and spoke Chinese and could speak Chinese to my parents, so that they would be able to understand who he is,” Rebecca Yu ’11 explained.

Yu, who is currently in a long-distance relationship with a white student from Cornell, said that, while her parents would “prefer” she dated someone who was Chinese, they “have no objections” as long as she is happy.

“I think you have to be exposed to Asian culture to be interested in dating an Asian person,” she said, adding that, in any interracial relationship, “it’s not going to last unless you understand their culture.”

Abreu also explained that, though being Hispanic was a “force” in his life, his multiple interracial relationships are evidence of his willingness to discover something new.

“What ends up happening in interracial relationships isn’t that race isn’t an issue. It’s a means by which to learn about the other person,” he said.

Despite the willingness of students to date interracially, most said they thought race would remain a subtle yet firm influence on their relationships.

“I think it’s going to be at least another 50 years before in the United States … an overwhelming majority of people genuinely don’t care,” Julio explained, adding, “We’re in a time period where we’re trying to make changes, but a lot of people, the old people, are grumbling about it.”

Despite these grumbles, students said they are going to continue to date who they want to, regardless of race. Though dating someone from a “similar culture background” could give an “additional connection” to a relationship, “ultimately, you can’t find your clone,” Yu said. “I’d probably hate him.”