Ask Dr. Blaine

Dear Dr. Blaine: What are some creative ways to screw your roommate? — Teresa D.

Dear Teresa: That depends entirely on how much you like your roommate. If embarrassment is the name of the game, I see three general paths you can take. The path of noise – making your roommate do something loud and attention grabbing — is always a classic. But you run the risk of doing something overdone or annoying to those watching. The path of silence — discreetly clueing your roommate in on his/her date — is better if you are not sure of the outcome. Remember, the name of the game is joking embarrassment, not humiliation for either date. And that brings up the third option: the path of malice. When the object is not cordial future roommate relations, but sheer blood-lust, I suggest walking this path. By pairing your roommate with someone he/she dislikes or simply forgetting to screw your roommate entirely, you can be assured of a night fraught with icy stares and six weeks of sleeping with one eye open. Choose your path wisely.

Dear Dr. Blaine: Why is room draw such a pain? It seems like no one ever ends up happy. What can be done? — Mike N.

Dear Mike: Well, the most simple answer would be to increase housing options, thereby ensuring on-campus housing for everyone who so desires. Also, even though I think it is one of the greatest testaments to campus life that nearly everyone lives on campus for all four years, it would increase some space if the University made more convenient and cost-effective housing options available off-campus. Ultimately, the entire endeavor is random and based on the sheer luck of the draw — so you should start being superstitious and counting your lucky stars. For next year, I suggest starting with an Ouiji board, a magic eight ball and 14 translucent marbles, and seeing if you are any better off.

Dear Dr. Blaine: What am I supposed to do about a hallmate who has no shame about engaging in loud and frequent sex? — Amanda B.

Dear Amanda: The good doctor has a few remedies for you, like a 12-step program, but only a little bit abbreviated. If you're friends with the yelper, begin by dropping some subtle hints — slip a "so you've had some long nights lately?" into daily conversation. Most likely that won't really solve anything, it's just always easiest to be passive aggressive. Second, try escalating your efforts by writing an e-mail expressing your concern, dismay, annoyance or awed appreciation. Avoiding face-to-face contact might make it less awkward. And if all else fails, you could turn the coital encounters into a study break of sorts, complete with popcorn and cheering while pressing your ears against the door.

Dear Dr. Blaine: Summer is rapidly approaching and we will all scatter to hometowns and internships for three months. I'm nervous about saying goodbye, but I'm even more nervous about saying hello again three months later. What can I do? — Billy S.

Dear Billy: While everything you're going through is perfectly natural and understandable, you have to maintain a little perspective. After all, three months is as long as you want to make it. Three months ago, it was reading period and the sub-freezing month of January, but I'd be willing to bet the days between then and now have flown by. Likewise, this summer will only feel long if you sit around and think about how long it is. You have got your entire life to worry — try to enjoy these three months off from school and use that time to enhance the nine months of the year you spend here.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Dear Dr. Blaine: Spring fever makes me want to fall in love with you. Where can I send my name and number? — Secret L.

Dear Secret: My box is always open for questions, comments, gripes and affection. Send it all to Dr. Blaine at The Newsroom. And remember, I am also a doctor of love. — Jeremy Chan '05