Accepting the truth, and learning from it

I received the phone call at about 11 p.m. on a Monday night this past February. I was on the other line with a friend, but hit the flash button and said, "Hello?"

It was my mom. She spoke slowly and in a restrained manner. "I just got back from the doctor. It's cancer . . ."

And then silence.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to cry. I didn't know how to move. I was frozen. And I could hear the tears and reluctance on the other side of the phone. Our conversation was cut short because neither of us could speak.

And so began a semester I will never forget. Outwardly, it looked as if I had everything under control and everything in my life was good. Inside, I was more confused, scared and disoriented than I had ever been. I never believed cancer could affect my mom. First my grandmother, then my aunt and now my own mother. I never thought it could happen to someone this close to me. I was in denial. But to the rest of the world, nothing was wrong.

I hid my feelings from the world. Only inside the confines of my safe haven in my room did I let my emotions go. I didn't know where to turn. I led on like everything was okay. I led on like I was happy and that was enough to make my friends believe that nothing was wrong. I did a good job, but in doing so, I've only hurt myself.

I am still trying to figure out why I didn't openly share my feelings with people. Part of it was because it wasn't exactly dinner conversation. Part of it was because I didn't want sympathy. All I wanted was a little bit of understanding and a little bit of space.

Another reason that I didn't tell people was because I didn't want them looking at me differently because of it. I wanted to continue to be the happy, outgoing person that they knew. I liked that person. They would never really know.

So where am I going with this story? Now that some time has passed and my mom's cancer is currently in remission, the emotional struggles going forward are greater than ever and yet I am still hiding it. My emotions are starting to seep through daily. My mood swings are occurring more often. It's starting to become apparent. But yet, I have no excuse for it. I am not truly facing my struggles. It only makes matters worse because I am not only hiding this from other people but I am hiding it from myself.

I've started to share what's been going on with some people, and I've started to piece together what I'm feeling and thinking. And it's helping me to move forward and become a stronger person each day.

While I realize that my situation is not that extreme - especially relative to greater struggles in the world - it really hit home last year and I've learned a lot of things from these experiences. The first is that you really never know what everyone is going through. My situation turned out to be okay for now, but many situations are not as fortunate.

You really don't know what your friends or acquaintances are going through because we tend to be very good at hiding our innermost feelings. I've learned to try to be more sensitive to people's wants and needs and I've tried to be more careful in making judgments because it's easy to wrongly judge people without knowing all of the circumstances.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Most importantly, I've learned that life is truly a gift. We so often lose track of what is really important in our lives in the bubble called Princeton. I'm guilty of it, too. We get caught up in things that really aren't worth our time or energy.

After watching the change in my mom's attitude towards life, I've learned that I need to find my passion in life and make the most out of each day. There are no guarantees in life, except the moment we live in — the now.

Responses or comments for the author can be sent to 'Prince' Executive Editor Rob Laset, at rplaset@princeton.edu.

Common Spaces is a weekly page in the 'Prince' for community members to share their stories. If you would like to submit a personal account or commentary, please e-mail rplaset@princeton.edu.