The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Dean of Admissions Karen Richardson ’93 announced on Friday, Oct. 28, that prospective Princeton students can now apply through the “blood oath” option in the Common App. The option will now allow applicants to demonstrate their interest to Princeton by FedEx overnighting no less than 15 fluid ounces of their own blood.
“It’s quite simple,” Richardson said. “You make a small incision on your pinky finger, recite the Oath of a Thousand Forbidden Serpents, and pledge your soul to Princeton for eternity.”
This category stems from the worry that non-binding single-choice early action was not sufficient to know that applicants truly want to attend Princeton. “The University cannot revert to early decision, because that would put us in the same pathetic league as Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, and the University of Pennsylvania,” she said.
Reactions to the news from prospective students and their parents have been largely positive.
“Some guy on Reddit said the ‘blood oath’ doubles your chances of getting into Princeton,” said applicant Manuel Grigman. “From two to four percent!”
When asked what the Office of Admissions plans to do with the blood samples, Richardson said, “Don’t worry about it.”
Princeton's single-choice early action application was due Nov. 1 and blood oath applications are due on the coldest winter’s morn when Jupiter is in retrograde.
Samuel Kligman is a staff writer in Humor and the only progressive you’ll ever meet in the James Madison Society.